Omertà
A code of honour.
If I live, i’ll kill you. If I die, I fogive you.
A deaf, mute and blind you will live your life in peace.

Pizza isn’t memory.
Food is energy.
Energy allows for experiences.
Don’t complain abou food.
If you were starving…
At another time…
That would be the best pizza you’ve ever eaten.
You will not recall it.
Your mundance complaints are worthless.
You will die and on your death bed you will not think of that pizza, nor any food I would think. You will die and nothing you have consumed will have mattered.

We can’t have sex.
I’m on my period.
What do I say to that?
“ok”
“Why not”
“Gross”
“Lovely”
Your answer is a chess move.
Their reaction will be affected by your answer.
Mirrors for answers.
“Are you not comfortable with blood? With mess? Your body? Are you not in the mood? Are you just informing me”
What a shame.

You look like Ethan Hawke.
-Fuck. Off.

I look like me.

You think I look like someone you’ve seen on the telly.
What a strange thing to bring to my attention (everone, someone different, often)

Walk on stage. Pick up stool.
“Well… keep clapping otherwise you’re zombies and i’m outta here”

*pretend to have an eyeglass
Look at someone in the crowd.
Special skill: Use fake objects.

Its all hush hush.
Why do anything now when you can wait.
I’m uninspired.
Disenchanted.
I’m busy.
“WhenI have time, i’ll do what I want”.
Its sad. Truly ruly sad.

Miracle Max’s miricle pill!

Peel mandarines.
Cover in melted chocolate.
Presto!

I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain.
I don’t know why I did what I did.
I don’t like it.
I don’t condone it.
I don’t think it was right?
Or nice, or smart, or necessary.

I bought her a box of chocolates.
And thought of things to say.
I handed them over neatly,
And then whisked her away.
I spent all that money,
on a gift that was especially fancy.
I never buy gifts.
People never return those generous glimmers.
I’ve learnt that.
Don’t be kind, or something like that.
Rubs and rolls,
thunders and boils,
In the back of my mind.
But I did!
I bought her chocolates.
I rode home.
I reconsidered.
I thought “fuck it, i’ll keep them”
Then I thought again.
Why would I spend this much money on chocolate for myself.
What the hell is wrong with me.
This was a nice idea.
Be nice.
Full fill your promise.
Your thoughtful idea.
Considerate, appreciative boyfriend.
For all the things she does for me…
Like…
Nothing.
So we went out to dinner.
We split. With me paying the majority and drinking the least and driving the car and paying for fuel. Then we went to a comedy gig.
I bought the tickets.
So it was mostly me.
She was just there as a money sink. And company fodder.
We went home. We snuggled.
It was nice to have a warm body next to mine.
I was tired.
I rolled over and dreamt.
I awoke at 5.30 and went to work.
When I got home she sent me a message.
Her dog had eaten her chocolates.
“oh well, pets”.

Sure.
Shore. Sean.
Ice cold.
Ice addict.
This is cold cat. Robot heart bus.
Further, for the, future.
The violins. Play.
I sit next to the girl in class.
Light blonde hairs on her top lip.
Her mannerism strange to me.
Big eyes.
The stranger across from the kicks my foot.
Kicks again. Thinks nothing of it.
To me I AM, the bench.
A leg. A leg of a table.
Not the shoe, the underside of my foot.
I have a horrible taste in my mouth.
Work was a disaster this morning.
I was tired.
I need energy. Where is my motivation.
People, waiting. Wanting coffee.
Hot-chocolates.
The mixture.
The meddly, combination.
Combatants. Hot sweet war.
Victory of the senses.
Reverbarate. Static. Twinge.
Twang. Want of caffience!
The consciounce. conshiouns
Coushion Cusion. Cushions!
Electric. Base in the background.
Spelling inner most.
Innate
Inert.
Innumerable. Numbers.
Cold. Kyote. Ugly. Terrible spelling.
Spell bound, BOND,
Bound to misspell.
Up. Bound up. Tied. Tongue tied.
Sore wrist.
I look at my wrist.
I saw. I saw my wrist.
My wits.
Lack of wits.
Lack of wist.
Wistful.
Witsfull.
Full-witted.
Tired, sunless. Bored. Blatant, cold. stale, fat, nipples dragging, slappingly shit and fucking tired and scared and unmotivated and prideless and stupified.
Sitting, stagnant, solemn, music, reverb.
Glass. Collection. Anger. Art, poetry, infused.
The window of my life.
The glass of my soul.
Sold.
Refractions of light.
Collections of cool things, ideas.
Reflections of my life. What is work to me.
Bush doof.
Reflect. What can you SAY and learn from what you say.
That inner self.
That knowing, what you speak, speak the truth.
The idea. That you believe everyone “GETS”
But none get you.
Don’t be lazy. Put it out there.
Say what you must.
Explain well.
Reflect. and reflect and reflect.
And learn.
Sit pretty. Feet up.
Untired.
Untied.
Fucked. But not tired. Drained.
Needing of energy. Re-fuelled.
Played. Sucked dry.
She wants, she takes, leaves naught.
But for tomorrow as me and i’ll tell you with mute.
And expression, bitter taste, ash, pouring from my mind and mouth.
Blackness. Oil filled hole. The void.
Best avoided. Blinded. Bound and binded.
Ball and chain.
Rent in my head.
A hole. A space, for sale.
I could be good at that thing.
I have capabilities.
I have vanity.
I have. and have and have havehavehavehavehavehave heave-HO!

Tragic.
The morsel of my mind.
Off. Salted.
Stale. Oyster. Snot.
Glob.
Par.
Bashful smile.
He sits. Talking trash outside my window.
I wonder at that expression.
How curious.
How wasted was I.
My caring take on reality.
Thing. A thing I noticed.
The rage I spat out, in the jacuzzi.
Anger, shouting, crying, writhing, wailing, morbid, gross and grinding my teeth.
Raw, roiling, tumult.
A hack, perhaps.
Not smart or talented enough for that.
Say it and make it real.
Wasted. wasted wasted.
Icicle. Many syllable.
Poetic. Left hand writes.
Left hand rights.
Left hand rights. Left and right.
Right and left.
Left right.
Up right.
upright. Write up.
Down right.
Down write.
Write down. Left down.
Put down.
Put down.
Down put.
Down right
Left down,
Left down.
Left up.
Up left.
Upright.
Up right.
right right
Write up.
Left right
Can can.
Double.
Snake eyes.
Game over.
Games.
Economics.
Boards.
Bored.
Broad.
Sheet. Sheer. Sheep. Says. Stays. Strays. Saturdays. Stays. Splays. Sty. Scry. Sly. Spy. Sky. Shy. Smile. Sail. Sassy. Sad. Sun. Split. Sony. Serpent. Soil. Stump. Stole. Spelling.

Talked to Rowan.
Talked to Eden.
Talked to Lindsay.
Saw Mum. She was walking uncomfortably.
Worried.
Chatted to dad.
Went to the football.
Worked a hard shift.
Ate an apple.
ate some wasabi peas.
And some wheaties.

I asked Rowan what he thought of Multi-National corporations.
Travel miles. Coke. BP. Responsibility.
Good, bad, evil. Money.
Big ideas, missing the point and me being called an idiot by someone wanting a Tasmanian dark ale. “how rude”

Talked about happiness.
Talked about what I like doing.
Talked about my dreams.
Talked about my story.

Walked to the city and home again via west hobart.

Talked about death.
Talked about shutting down.
Cognisance. Mindfulness. Awareness. Being alive.
Being an animal.
Opposable thumbs, inventiveness.
Driven by bounds instilled at a young age.

A girl in my class said about herself “I’m talking too much”
I wondered if she thought that because she was a woman.
I wondered if I was being sexist thinking that.
Rowan had something to day.
I said if I had said what he had said it would have been
“A super dooper, alley-ooper, mega slam dunk of a bounce. I’d have done a flip over godzilla on defense” Supreme!

O my god I feel like pizza.

Then we talked of being lazy in conversation and me having high expectations.
And how nobody asks questions anymore.
How Young-su inspired me with his 4 simple questions.
How bumboots are rubber.
How her underpants were from Target.
How you’ll live long enough to see yourself become the hypocrite you loathe and despise.
Like being “into” grammar, and writing as accurately as I.
Shocking.
Eco zealot!
“fucking hack”. Undefined. Basic. Lazy. Boring.
The vegan in the curry house…

Then we talked about humanity, sleeping. Rejuvination.
Rest. Cleaning.
If we could stop.
If we could die.
Prevent any output from out system.
Could we live longer?
Through the times?
Freeze time.

Tattoos with wil and Edward.
Jogging.

Unconscious, sleeping, a vegetable.
Surviving on a tube, a system.
Pull the plug? Ever?
Morals. Values. Ethics.

Walking into a circumstance with limited information.
The waited came over after I poured coffee all over my cereal.
I was complaining about my mistake.
“This tastes disgusting”.
He said they wouldn’t offer me a discount and took offence.
I was confused because he seemed to start talking to me out of nowhere…
I was content.

6/15. I’ll be damned.
And you know what else.
I’m uninspired.
No academic spark or want for acclaim.
My eyes gel shut.
Woozy.
Mum is home,
I could cry.
Its raining.
Drip drip drip.
Ate lots of food, that should keep me going.

Left pupil dilated.
“She finds me very attractive”
strange, curious.
Take it as a compliment!
Right…

Mmmm am I.

Man. am I
Mon! Am I
Yes.

I think so, at this moment in time. I think i’ve been in a rutt.
Uninspired. A bit lethargic.
I wanted to do and be something more.
Rather… I didn’t.
Monday maybe.
Didn’t follow through on a haircut.
I haven’t cheers-ed anyone.

I usually toast to something.
Like toast? Or toast?

I usually say something.
Something unique.
Like “To class”
But that’s not even good, most of the time.

ITS MINE
Where did you get it?
From my father,
and he from his.
WHERE DID HE GET IT?
he fought for it.
OK, SO WE’LL FIGHT YOU FOR IT.
-good comic.

To class!
To having money.
To working hard, and receiving acknowledgement.
To smarts!
To naturally being gifted.
The brains and brawn.
To having an affinity for nature!
To the invention of pens and paper.
To space travel.
Bottoms up!

Kow-ah-friggin-bunga!

I have a good relationship with my teacher.
She had-a-go at the class today.
“phones away” learning is what you make it.
It wasn’t positive.

I found an earring on the ground.
Now i’m wearing, so-to return it to the person that lost it originally.
I walk past the spot and think about printing out a picture.
That would be less gross.
Fucking weird.

I should go home soon.
Need to print out some work.
Do some referencing.
La-dee-dar.

Chocolate melted over peeled mandarins
I clumps blocks of chocolate in my pockets to make easter eggs.

I’d ride my bike but I don’t know how i’d get my girlfriend home.
“Dink your dates”?

How’d your test go? Terribly!

Ate a pack of green beans a pear and 500grams of peanuts for dinner.
Gross.
Why do I do it.

Studying today has been pretty full on.
Went for a walk with Dean, a fairly new asian pal from my French class.
I said i’d send him a translation of my french work today but i’ve been swamped.
He’s run ULTRA-marathons. What a psycho.
I invited him over for dinner this evening.
Very full-on.
We have a test this Friday which I need to study.

I’m quite worried about the french test. But I also have an English test.
I need to write that up, polish, reference, structure.
Ugh so much.
I wrote out my availability.
Lots and lots to do.

Anyway Dean or Young-Su, he’s from South Korea. He’s 26 over there or 25 here.
Because when you are born in Korea they say that the children are 1 year old.
I wonder what other cultures and countries have that same idea.

Anyway, he keeps a blog (in Korean) but has had an idea to ask people questions about their lives.
4 simple questions.
1. What’s your story?
(Something that you really want to share and talk about. Anything is accepted.)

2. What are your interests?

3. What is your dream?

4. What do you think happiness is?

My answers were initially:

d love to. We’ll do that after we do a French draft, ok? Here are my initial thoughts thought smile emoticon

1: I’m a kid from Tasmania. And I want to travel the world.

2: My interests are people, coffee, and languages.

3: Dreams are weird and personal.
-I have a lot of dreams and a few goals.
One it to travel the world and do and say original things.
I also love comedy, so I dream of performing or doing standup comedy (or atleast understanding how/what makes people laugh).
I would also like to open a business with my brother.

4. Happiness for me currently is a westernised “american dream”.
People focus too much in their down time on trying to be happy.
The persuit of happiness is an unfound and unsavoury idea for me.
Bittersweet in its generally unachievable state.
People spend most of their time discontent. That is something that makes people beautiful, unique and progressive.

Happiness for me is “being a child at play”. Committing yourself entirely to an activity where you are lost, almost thoughtless. Transfixed/captivated (in the zone).
I find this with games, talking to people, writing my journal, cooking, running, playing soccer, doing yoga.

Reading, writing and eating are great. They make you happy. Family values. Feeling loved and accepted by your parents and friends. These are some things that also make me happy.

When I spoke however, (he recorded) I said much much more.
He said he wanted maybe 3 minutes. I was in the zone talking for over that. Poor guy said he’d type up the script and post it on his blog, like a time capsule/reflection piece/idea tank.

It was strange, almost therapeutic. Its nice to cement yourself into reality with an experience like that from time to time.

I miss Edinburgh.