I know when I’ve drifted off. And it only happens on planes. My doctor says it’s the altitude, when if first happened I thought I’d was the food. I firmly believe that the food I eat is the key player in my dreams. I worry sometimes- the lady next to me is staring: that idiot with an accent two rows back on the left, i haven’t looked. “I don’t like flying”, “but it’s just a case of not thinking about it”, “don’t think about it”.

He’s quiet now. It’s mostly quiet in the cabin, I think I heard a scream and that’s what woke me.

40000ft and the earth at

Our feet, chasing the night from east to west and my headache has just got worse.

The light above my head is on, and the fan, and the assistance button. I look two people over and out the oval porthole – it’s purple and dark blue all across the outside sky. Like a new bruise. The night screams towards us, drumming with little jolts of turbulence. The wings exhale. He’s not in my vision now, people important to me aren’t in my proximity. Boggling ju-ju eyes slip behind lidded resolve. The shortest blink is the longest eternity. Black bringing with it a timeless clarity. Granular noise begins to infiltrate- like static my mind. Flashes, a blue body squirms, sweat soaking the sheets. Fabric clings to his body, as he tries to roll breathe into his lungs. They’ve filled with water as if underwater. I can’t close my eyes or look away, I am omniscient and all bearing. The blue red deepens, my chin shakes. A blister of sorrow has popped in the back of my throat. I can’t speak, only taste sick and watch. The last decompression was a minute ago, he’s stopped tossing back and forth- so peaceful now. All the space in his body now brims with the incorrect distributions of water. Cancerous? Psychosomatic- cause and effect? I look at my palms, shakingly they scrunch into fists. If I wasn’t Hesse, if I’d somehow never heard about it, then it wouldn’t have happened. Not in my mind, but here I am, and there flies the soul of my lost kin.

I’m screaming with 5 strangers pinning me down when I awake. Later they’ll tell me that I tried to perform CPR on the person next to me while they slept. They fear me as they should, I can’t sleep anymore, not since I lost him. My blue eyes remind me of him. An unsafe, dying colour. Makes me choke up, tears pool like the hypothermic lungs of the lost. Like all lost souls, they don’t stop wandering, from there they continue on, crawling, walking, flying away from me, from us all. The escape artist revealed in death. I was there for it all, watching the spirit flicker all the whole through unblinking eyes. All my tool for naught. Poison bubbles in my heart and the pit of my stomach. Hands cuffed to my seat, trying not to sleep, unblinking. Hopeless defeats pinned to me, to all of us. Our defunct bodies. Worms, pale sick and waterlogged.

Another day for self improvements wasted with impression. Baby sitting, nursing unrest and indecision. Stuck and drawn, hung and questioned. Quested feelings of falsehood. Flights to nowhere, thought not quite knitting. The bail of water passing through me. Sitting in a dinghy, the one we planned to meet in when we each dreamed. I’ll pay for dinner, I’ll pay for silence, chest X-RAY. When your heart is gone, when the cough you have could take your life. My anger, frustration and the impact of you letting me down. Air softly pouring out of your chest. What are these choices, my fear of losing you folds like a towel. Howling frustration for my lack of control of others. A disorder in me- the train leaves the platform, the steam is hot, luxury until you are burnt by the wand. handholding my sacrificial lover. Port in my belly sloshing around, my transport undocked, berth unknown. Where is my company, my caring? This horrible cycle. Nothing can be put in this body. Virus, general, venerable. What happens to my tickets if you die?

I’ve lost a little bit lately. Is this contagious? Overwithdrawn, coma, custard, loss of home, of hope. Stop, test, rest, relax. Mood changed, games played. Fido, fitness, hapless lung wheezing, heart palpitations. Risk and family fallout.

My big brother who I used to look up-to: I pray that he lives long enough to look down on me. Dead and buried. I haven’t the heart for loss. I don’t like funerals. If you die it will rinse my heat and bleed it of all fun and colour. The pallor of cheeks, the flush of my mint. Grey matter would all become. The enjoyment, taste and joy would cripple me. A frozen memory. Light blue, white eyes, fear and pulsing dateless, rates. The bill, siren-like moans the wail of women in black coats. The sterility of the whole mass. Foaming filth reigning down. Textureless, tooth rotting pain. Poison like the leukaemia. No hair, pain and shame. The loss of expression, eyebrows gone. A book of memories: stuck in yeaster-year. Unappealing fear, waterfalling between the rocks. Dripping cavern of my mouth, hollow like the space between two semi-colons. Waiting, hoping. A writers nightmare. Honest moment of dissolution; annihilation; all that time. My heart, your heart, a broken clock. The moments pass but I won’t count them. Unlooking, this faceless drama. Despair despair despair. Don’t leave me: if you leave me I’ll never forgive you. If you leave me it’s for the best. All this access, this turmoil, feeling and hopeless frozen hearts. Gas passing through lips awful open rents. Orifices to poison, what is true outside and in. Killing me and you. Breath enough for both. Fabled father, holy mother, step brother. Don’t take the path to heaven. If tomorrow comes and I’ve the time. The energy to pay your hospital bills. You are 5.0 stars. Aligning, heartfelt. Dusty displeasing happenstance will not befall is again. We need to put this past away. I will make sure of it. The importance of the moment has slept in our dark hearts. Art of blood and the gash of skull- you have plenty of time. But that’s not right is it? It’s now, now now now now now now: I want my past. A smiling, hole in the heart presence. Curves and childlike misfortune. It might all pass you by if I blink. This infinity of speech will gouge you- the bore I am, final injustice that my words accompany this absence. Unfinding dissatisfaction. Please, son and brother. Idol and friend. Don’t go. Stay with me, stay with us. Be in our pride, treat yourself in kind. Fairytales of bookless lives- happily ever after is not what I ask, nor the possession of a broken clock. If the electricity of my pulse these words can change, my love helping to rest your gasps. Choking whistles of a train, coming or going? Please put on the breaks, pulse, live live live! And this link from clenched jaw, molars grinding at a hopeful’s heart. Hope, poison like knowledge. What can I do? What do you want.

I tried to talk to you,

But I can’t get past the weather.

A friend I thought I knew,

Found something somewhere better and here I am. Thinking dark thoughts after an in-sobering dinner. Tired, just tired and the ringing in my ears can’t deafen

The honesty I feel. You shine most brightest. It’s time

For

Me

To change.

Rattle rattle. My skull, all that recycling out the window. Late night beers, me fears and your tears. Tear, trays, teats, tots, tits and

Low energy. Uncooked blatant tiredness.

How was the thing? Good

How was that other thing? Good.

Ok going back to bed. And that’s why I don’t write this. Call it a

Loss of words; like my “pregnant delusional”… but I feel like we’re NOT the same. We’re drifted. Since then, let’s make this split amicable, easily able to move on- loved and fine as per; no stress, easy, 2 weeks no friends and fine the decision’s made. Being skipped, not a part of it.

Commitement

Damned soft

Skin sorted and scammed

For scanning and friendship’s sake, my sale of My souls is cheap and nasty as a chap of unwavering stollen. Bread lost if breAd found for dogs. Fuck you, ducking off for a goodnight. Fowl eggs and goose of reason. See how I feel tomorrow. Goodbye this.

Suggested. Te big bash.

Simple single mother, strapped and struggling for cash. Stuart paid. 4 girls. Going back to the Uk (I love the uk). How old was I when I was last there. Running and rubbing the walls or bars. Elbows and knees raw as all hell. On the desk in the hall, hollow, hallowing plays. The moaning flop of it all. Jabbing nonsensically at my parts, heart beating until the cold infiltrated me. Separate. Spraying drool. My spite pooling at the back of my throat. Absent pickup. Rolling eyes.

The pick up was half past four. His voice was fading. Picking up dogs. Rain and snow and sickness. Raining down cum. Blinking eyes, crashing blows. My unfamiliar comrade; ships in the night in record number. Pulling out the cucumber. Spiritual gaze, glazing skin. The glisten of sweat. Rain. Work work work. My mind turned to cigarettes – an old fad. This young man, squirming inside me. Food for thought, perhaps we’ll do this again, hopefully soon my two minute noodle.

Funeral- for my bridesmaids. Busy days. Sport and afternoons to play majong. Cups and cups of this that and the other. I think that will work out. The queen vic?! Stopping for a chat, this and that. My old cat. 3 people, all of this injustice.

Hope. Demon. Love. Chance… I forget the 5th, Justice? ur-words. Original. Prism, light. Direction, colour fashion. Cohesive write up.

Let me tell you the story of the two lost brothers. Out climbing one day, swimming in the open Ocean, around the bay they would paddle. In, to the rocky points. They’d slice their hands and feet, pushing with the swell of the tide. Sometimes heating against the large two tone faces. Carved from a Millenia of waves. Thumping spray into the now crescent shaped ravine. The two boys would misjudge a few times, trying to climb up and out with the swell of the tide.

Hands gripping with a lost infinity of strength. Sliding release of digits, unthinkable failure of strength. One would grunt and then splash back rejoining the surf. Only occasionally would the giddy thought of blood in the water make them both scrabble, like they were now. Elpi, spiderlike with a determined sorry face made it up the face, quickly at first, only to become considered once the lead was established and he climbed high out of the water with his brother’s dripping and pointed urchin hair. Looking up from ankle height, the latter brother blinked and breathed. Blinked and breathed. Pretending the piano their grandmother owned, was playing in the breeze. Two tone colour as far his eyes could see. Closely followed by the notions of cold and vertigo. Shaking off a shiver he continued to climb.

Neither of them were present that night around the dinner table. Though others were, to comment and feel the space. A rental had opened up next door and some jazz played, perhaps a band of coloured people, the bars were on the same street- so things were always moving. The glowing nights with their golden, browns and red. The household was between the radio music funk house and an abusive couple that never covered their top halves. They could always be seen shouting, him mostly, with straight arm gestures like a salute. Always the blinds were peeled at an angle to look in on. It’s was Like an old black and white film, the actions seemed sped up and overly played out. This would have been before sound, never a peep from her or him could be heard. The lips, manner and gesture was all out of proportion to the noise level. Maybe it was the jazz band or radio next door. Dinner was brightly lit by an 81 candle chandelier. The only piece of decadence the family had ever owned in its long and cultivated history.

The brothers gripped hands, Elpi’s right in his brother’s left. Forearm muscles wormed and sea water mixed with the sweat drawn from their climb. “A 18 meter drop was all”. Thèse are the words that rolled from others lips, as waves do, pushing and pulling at the fragile cargo of the young men. Wrapping them up, chilling and pushing, forearms bold and trembling. A look passed between them, an end to the ebbing, peace. Exhilaration as they jumped. Elpi may have lead, but he felt he jumped higher and now fell behind, slower in falling than his brother. If their arms were wings they would have glid out into the open ocean and careered forever onwards, or at least until they were smout and dashed upon a South American Coastline a full globe away. Elpi blinked and breathed. Soaking in fracture of the moment.

Thé candella that had been lit, so as to reach the chandelier wore its way low. The tide mark of melted wax grew outwards, as the light waned. All four of them had eaten and worried their bellies full. The two brothers hadn’t returned. This marked another year, eight in total since they’d gone and not come home. The stepchildren, grandchildren and friends walked about this, as if on a rug.

All muted, all covering the trap-door into a much darker pool of memory. A fathom of others unthinkable things. Bitter hope’s ‘could have beens’ in the silence. No word from them ever came. No note. The mood was still, as it always was from the date. The date since. Marked by them, and unmarked. The jazz let up, the couple went out or perhaps to bed, and the two-tone family watched as each of the 82 candles melted away, dripping themselves dry.

Mouthing a scowl. Speaking of the “I”.

I really shouldn’t go on… I really can’t. A belly full. Flavour and food- glutting, gluttony; go on. It’s all in retrospect, clinging like a crown to the past. Time hanging around us. Broth, booze and snooze y’a lose.

Liquor toast makes

This

Meal

Made and forget my mail male mate. Porking and turning it all. Over. Fraught with curls and hoping trails. Moving tragic fuming holiday. Estalgia rollicking permanence. Fuck me you strangling gas. No sight- just an invite and hoping for the best. Cover me.

Cover

Me up. My love zo zo zo zo zo

Dednal. Ret. Retallion. Bidar. Kinju. Alp. Hustar. Bari. Conder. Ravik. Mallah. Kestook. Byah. Clorid. Njep. Stomell. Floska vallé. Bisken . Holdir. Hajutah. Krhaal. Dempah. Vidd. Xooy. Wermsko. Qootja. Bilk. Moil. Genalm. Pirastus. Fledo. Ghuulmark. Yastislaa. Pidlan. Sperda. Wolt. Linard. Curloy. Pittu. Feenkan. Eear. Maarreh. Jintuul. Kotor. Krittimaast. Lopz. Lodz. Rasprook. Buldigs. Hillmar. Spooldread. Bracker. Tollitant. Strakker. Micher. Warrepern. Mostarian. Qandratta. Idokkar. Xhion. Connv. Sthalabad. Blejasnapadek. Falachoodah. Fippenhalstreng. Crunnel. Steppernesspl.

With heart of red.

her sweet sea swelled.

Rich, fanning – ballooning belled.

Lips and languid looks.

Bright petals, salted anemones

ask for it wrong, so current affairs.

Shrinking away – foiling thoughts –

Past Pulsing hidden species.

Free urchin raged, gasping ragged.

Breathe through a jokers hat:

Tupping all the suits.

Ignore what’s red and black.

No Scottish moon tonight

At centre sun, a heart.

Teeth, tendrils and her petal part.