Say what you mean.
If I didn’t want to talk to you about my girlfriend its because we were talking about other things.
You didn’t ask.
I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up with you.
You don’t want to see me?
OK.

Yes, somewhat.
I feel like i’ve been ensnared into giving you lifts everywhere. That’s not gonna fly.
I shaved today in the shower.
Played catch with my sister.
Bought my brother a dressing gown.
Jogged.
Made Japanese style soup. 1raw egg. Delicious.

A guy put the fear on us: at the waterworks. Said we had to watch out for snakes. No shoes, walking through the bush. I get it. But he somehow totally brained Megan. “I hate snakes, i cant go on, this is a bad idea, i hate you seeing me like this, i’m too unfit to walk up hills, too uncoordinated to walk downhills” and on and on.

Organised a fair bit of stuff for the week up-comming.
State cinema @12:40.
Australia trip.
Exchange tomorrow.
All the pieces are falling into place.

I’ve been so negative recently.
My family have annoyed me, freaked me out, caused me to look inwardly and feel repulsed. How can I carve out a happy and healthy lifestyle when the others around me aren’t always happy. Can I be more selfish? Should I be. Should I run from everything like I see others doing? “Leave the nest” Paul Kelly said.
Why can’t I do things in moderation. Why is it that life is a continuous effort. Presentness isn’t a gift like it sounds. Exercise for all its occupation my life only fills me with joy momentarrily. I am an addict to the altered state. I know myself to be lazy. Where once I was more of a wreck. I feel in limbo. Letting others down, letting myself down, dealing and feeling my issues overwhelm me. My memory, my thoughts, the hypocrite inside me, strapped with TNT and blowing up my damned past. Fishing in the river that rushes fourth. My dark past. Angler fish. Light bulb! Bad ideas, emotional turmoil, good ideas, direction, wants, needs, words said by MY mouth, now void of meaning. Past.
Disaster. The smitherenes and smoke that solidify into who I am now. Blarkh!

Why was I feeling free, happy around Megan, now we’re going out i’m cautious, scared yo lose our friendship.
“What do you want from me, from this, from us”
-what have i been doing? Spending time with you. Thats IT, that’s all.
I need space, so much time spent. Strangle me. Tomb.

Formless
Gormless

Mouth furry with sugar- shall i revert? Eat, hide myself away, unsocialise myself. I feel i’m halfway there.
“What’s up” -nothing.
But my mum is diabetic and has seisures. So i’m not dealing with that all that great.
The family dynamic is off. The house isn’t a relaxing place.
Its a shameful place. No entry.
Socailise at your own risk. I’m embarrassed. Fearful.
Angry.

Coquettishly. – good word.

You don’t vodka your plants! (But you’ll put alcohol in your own body) strange.

Its strange when you lie to people, just to continue conversation. Little white lies.
She lied about owning a dalmation back in the states.
They are aptly named “dalmation moments”

What you do is importqnt because you choose to spend time and effort on it. Your soul is in your sweat.
“Blood, sweat and tears”

While picking fruit: “oft its the best looking fruits that are the hardest to attain”
In life -the grass is always greener.
Malcontent: drives us to greater heights.

“18:15: keep it laid” – i have no idea why i wrote this.

Whats so good about fountain-pens,Murakami?

How do you make a car more homely?

Memore – is a funny old thing.

THING. IT. – they were mentioned today.

“You have to know what IT is”. Alice in Wonderland.

The beauty of self exposure in the poetry and ambiguity of language.

Talk slow or fast. The meaning can be lost just the same.

Ah… -Adult Life- the new and more graceful: “first world problems”

poem-

“Every body is fucking”

No bedroom is safe,
No day alone –
To itself clean and pure.
Sheets stained
Soiled-
Sweat darkened.
Cloth scrunched
Backs slick
Nipples licked
Mouths kisses
Eyes, gazed into.
Binding arms pulling.
Knitting with need
We wrestle joy,
Into eachother.

Brand name “BOSHINGTON”

Gotta check out Opito Bay in NZ.

“glass is made to be broken” – french saying.

If it changes, then it changes.
C’est la vie.

There was a guy that I jogged behind in the Half Marathon that had a sweat patch on his arse that looked like tasmania for about 8km’s. Then it melted into regular soggy bottoms. I had to move on. The observation, the joke, was done.

Happiness, Virtue and Knowledge are triplets. (how?)
What is “Virtue” has the word evolved?

Pain is present-ness

Pain is inevitable suffering is optional.

Semi-present consiousenss. (your ordinary mind on an ordinary day)

Tattoo: image and pain both fade.

“Just how connected are the mind and body?”

“Its easier to be against something than explain the consequences” – Jed Donoghue 2016

“Buzzing around like a blue arsed fly” – Gina 2016 (so aussi)

Question: What’s the best gift you’ve every received. – for a birthday or Christmas.

What does “How now” actually mean.
– Surprise, lets discuss the statement former, what does this actually mean.

Its not that i’m slack, I just haven’t been writing.

I’ve been writing, thinking, reading.
Just no. No regurge.

Today at the beach:

The shallow water is warm.
But the deeper you get, the colder it all becomes.

This could be like being in a relationship with me.
It wasn’t calm today.
I built up a castle,
High walled.
I exercised and ate fresh.
My eyes are sore.
Red.
I will write more.
Succinct soon.

“the weather bureau is down” – we could all get by without the weather.
But that’s where statements like “it came out of nowhere come from”

That is that.
So and so.
Which is which.
This and that.

These are what we say on a daily basis. We need to be more careful.
Done and done.

Dream: Dad my sister and I.

1 Christmas cake, split into 4. (3 people)
1/2 & 1/2 and half again.
One bit looked bigger but felt lighter.
Prawns, (maybe 4) each.
Octopus -lemony-
and two danishes. One purple one orange.
the pastry was dark, brown, crispy.
The curled in the middle. In on the custard.
This food was John Armstrong’s. Some he shared;
the cake perhaps (I forget. inaccurate). The rest we ate,
Shameless, only half aware.

People evolved from fires. If you run out of air you die.

How now- what is how now?
“So and so”
“what’s her face”
And THAT’S THAT.

Talking truths.
Observations (the weather, the trees).
Shared meaning, experience and understanding.
Slippery academic buggers.
Cute, cite, quote.

Qatar.
Women are birds, the simile often drawn upon.
Flighty, fickle, escaping, beautiful, looping, peckish, aloof.
Men – cats.
Tom cats. Tom. TOMS.
I’d hate to be a tom. As much as I am a Pat.
A cat in a hat. Pat in a hat.
Waiting at your door, awaiting the first kiss.
A Pat at the mat.
Wipe your feet,
leave those shoes at the front door.
We shan’t talk so soon of the back.

My name? Would I change. Sure.
Sponsor me, give me wings.
Qatar.
So I might seek out birds.
Qatar Foley-Donoghue.

The Australian, the world the culture
acceptance. Broad view. Common word?
Would you say my new name correctly?
Am I going to have to tell you how to say it?
It’s like Pat. But with a ‘Q’.
No you don’t have to wait.

Qat! Call me Qat. Like Cat. With a Q.
Not a Tom, or a Pat. Something more,
you can see that, I soar.
I see you saw.
Up and down
my love.
In an out.
The old adage.

Birds and Bees.
We’re all Q-ing up.
I can’t explain it all to you.
You’ll have to learn for yourself.
Find a good teacher in life.
On your knees or otherwise.
Find yourself a wife?
That’s one good bit of life advice.

My device,
Take a slice.
A lick,
Life’s too short.
All of us sick.
Dig it while you can-can.

Dance in the eye of the storm with me.
but understand if its not meant to be.
Me, myself and I.
You to.
you two.
Us three.

If it doesn’t work out.
If it was just fleeting.
That OK.
Just call me Qat.

Don’t give me that.

I’ve been misspending time.

Spending time with a splecial miss.

i don’t know how i feel. Afraid, anxious,’wasteful. I used to be into such a good thing. THING. Vein. Vain, vanity. My insanity. This calamity. Expectation of my life. Comparing myself to others. Blabbering. Uncontent. Torn. Jagged. Edged. Not edgy. Not calm. Rest-less. Wrestless. Needing a wrestle. How could i tell-her. How could i end what we’ve started? What do I want? Why do I judge the way that I do.

self immolation. Self sabotge. My consiounce. No consice. Scrambled. With cream. Ejected. Ejaculated. Watsed, booze free. Milked. Work work work.

Reliance from others. Minimal. The television blares. Blurts out facts. So posmodern. Wasted. Watson, we need you help. Your deduction. Humanity’s crawl towards its own destruction. We are in flux. Can we live forever? Can our plague last? Spread?! Outlast the stars we are made of? Dust to dust.

what will be will be.

it is what it is.

Say: La Vie.

se la vie.

such is life. Hang around. Above the ground.

Feet dangling, that dropping sound.

flounder. Fish out of water.

inelegant. Snapping.

Flapping

gagging dragging drooling.

final flop. What a let down.

relax, limbs limp. Lax.

last loll of your eyes before they are closed

thue clergy man thinks absent thoughts;

not present in the moment.

Does the holy signs.

body bag.

save your breath

waste not words nor wit.

think through -“things”

specify… God-fucking-dammit.

i felt like the new year was underwhelming.

scattered, tired, hungry. Pointless.

hindsight and pitfall thought processes.

Music was great, food was devoured.

A goal should be to make yourself an maleable and versatile, un pigeonholeable as possible. Thats a talent.

• a new year or resolutions begins for this young man.

Why did you tip out that water?

It looked funny.

Looked funny eh.

Pulling faces? Telling jokes?

Wat’a comedian.

So I tried to talk with the guys.
Wil, Phil etc. Something was missing.
I stirred the pot. Smoked a bit. Then we went and had a kick.
This year has been rad. I boughts the last of the gifts. Everything went swimmingly. Money has been spent, seriously.

I’m quite town now.
Australia trip. On the cards. How can I do this?
Do I have the time?
Stay tuned.

I found a girl the keeps a blog, like a diary.
Thinking and writing fascinates me.
How good is her writing, coherent?
Understandable? Why can’t we just ask questions.
Deep lying. Are we not all on the same page.
How much worthless stuff is said.

I do not in general have the impression that sexual abstinence helps produce energetic, independent men of action or original thinkers, bold liberators and reformers. Far more often it produces well-behaved weaklings who later merge into the great mass of those who habitually, if reluctantly follow the lead given by strong individuals.