I feel isolated.
I don’t feel the walls closing in.
Nothing like that.
Nothing dangerous.
A bit of dread.
A bit of lethargy.
Silence,
Thinking.
I must get myself out of this.
I need to visit a friend.
He is wizened.
Exercise too.
I’m an addict.
Just run, its that easy.
Run from your problems.
I can run.
Some people cannot.
I can. I can run.
But I don’t get anywhere anymore.
I get back here.
I’m happy.
I need to focus on these thoughts,
I should put them to good use.
Jogging, its over so fast.
My cure. Head quelled.
Legs ache.
Hands cold.
Back straight.

Until the next time I need to.
Eat, sleep, say the wrong things.

Oh honey,
that’s all you need.
Just money,
and the tobacco weed.

Also, water your plants.
and love. -yeah- you need love

My mum the crucial, cameo of hippy antics.
Class. All class.
In session.

Jack Kerouac reached someone atleast.
“Jeez I was so beat”
“yeah, beat, like beat-beat. Beatnik AF”
Walking around what… Boston and picking up cigarette butts? Strange.

EDWARD SNOWBALL: Say’s “That’s it” often. I say something, he say’s “that’s it”

Yeah man, sure. That’s just the thing, isn’t it (Great query). Round about ambiguous sentences. Message received!

Reservations:

I have my fears,
Unbeliefs,
Frightened I am.
Is she the one,
Is all this a waste.
The sticky black spot in my mind.
Old gum, trod black in the corner.
Or is it manure?
Shit, human? dog? Excrement.
Like my fears. I don’t know.
I hug and hold myself. My-
personified reservation.
Mouth; rectum.
From where?
I know not.

Cigarettes after sex – Affection.

Truncation.

I truncated.
Flunkated.
Failed,
Elaborated.

Short.
Wasted.
Wailed.
Hailed, for help.

Bailed my tears.
Bottled, bottled
In old beers
bottled.

Drink me in.
Eyes glassy.
Still full, you see.
I see double.

Knife edge, hurt.
He squeezed a nail.
Palmed it.
Focussed on the pain.

Soaked shirt
The full pale.
Bloody lip-bit.
Bugged, softly wail.

YOU ARE WHAT I AM.
What IS that?

Melted gumboot face.

Why is a crunchy apple more enjoyable than a floury apple?
How do we associate texture and pleasantness?
Are flavours, preferences inherent?
Innate? Do we learn and associate goodness in all things?

THINGS.

Lamingtons are better than scones. Discuss.
lamination is settled with bones.

Crockery, What a crock’a.

look,
And look,
And look again.
Do you believe in “love” at first sight?
Cliche is all dried up I suppose.
My heart’s still beating.
It won’t forever.
Hold me.
Can we least of all, explore the idea?
Pull the shades.
Flick the blinds.
Fluttering lids.
My mind a whirrr.
Mind blender.

Its a bad habit.

Flat this evening.

You’re version of romance doesn’t cut it.
My energy was way down.
What people would expect from me, off.
The expectations that I have of everyone else, troubling.
I hug you as you cry, one big red button.
Pushed to cracking point. Tears.
A shudder. Shhhh, a shudder.
Why are you so sensitive?

Tomorrow, due dates.
Many things to consider. My brain, numb.
Lacking the will, want and ability to soak up things.
Trash! Due dates. Percentages.
I need to be smart.
Lecture, recording.
If I just focus on my work. All will be ok.

Tomorrow, Pass.
Class.
Break, work, tests.
Blam.
Smart plan.
ok. I can do it.

Nice one liquorice.

“Whatnot” – Quite an funny saying.
What does it mean? Anything aforementioned, however communication recylclement in this case does not stand. We sit around, saying the same whatnot.

Assignment is going well.

Breakfast this morning was nice.

I had sex.

I ate figs.

Robot heart, burning man.

I wanted to say something, something unlike myself, share, it would have taken courage and put me on the spot; thrown me completely.
Megan laughed, and laughed.
Uncontrollably.
It was like a sign. A message. A mood. A strange conscionable psychological state, or occurrence.

Now for me polish. I’ll eat later. Work later.
Talk about Canada, Ottawa.
Plan, map, get excited.

Yes. all all all all all all all all all.

“haha I totally lied about 6.30. Haven’t even left uni to go home and get my running kit. (but lets pretend what I just wrote wasn’t in your understanding right). Instead I just said. I’m going to be 10 minutes late… RIGHT [following me so far[

And then, I leave now, hop on my bike and ride to your for some tea. I tell you literally nothing, because all i’ve been doing is uni. Then I stand around awkwardly, thinking about uni. You tell me about your day. I ask just the right amount of questions. Then you try to seduce me, I have a cup of tea and tell you I need to get back home for dinner.

But I suppose I don’t. I mean… I should, there is ALOT i should be doing, that is all well and truly in the forefront of my mind. So it takes A LOT of work by you, I say the wrong thing, often, because I have a lot on my plate and i’m doing what I shouldn’t be (by seeing you) and still having half my brain focussing on elsewhere. I think about tomorrow and how it’s really only half a day of study.

The proof reading I should be doing, the reading of a book, the french assignment, the bad news about Canada that I haven’t told you yet, the fact that I haven’t been for a run, my low phone battery, the lack of sun i’ve got today, the omega 3 tablets i’ve been taking that are 4 years out of date, my silly diet. The pressure leftovers in my fridge, and the overbearing inevitable heat death of the universe. ”

Dark Crystal.

Fence, offence. Steal a fence. Fence with bad guys. Spend money on my fiance. Finance. Sit on the fence.
“I’m worries someone will punch you”
So am I.
Everyone’s taking offence.
Taking my fence.
The fence.
I sit on it.
That’s why I build walls around myself.
Fences protect me.
That’s why I want a dog.

-DREAM-

Rock star, pale skin. jumped through time and space.
Police out the front of the house.
He jumped through a worm hole, a tear in reality.
He was on stage, about to perform, then a rent opened up behind him.
In a grate maybe, like the ones you see on the gutter.
-I saw it from my reality-
Cops out the front of the house, lots of cars.
His with the door still open, fled into the neighbours place.
The backyard was huge.
I was in the kitchen.
I looked out the window and saw him; stirring.
I took him back to my room and hid him.
He explained that we could bother travel between.
There was a special name for us.

He said his gig wouldn’t be spoilt.
It was just going to be a big publicity stunt.
He stayed in my room, I was interviewed by the police.
Dad came home and went into my room.
I finished with the cops, and when I went to my room.
He was gone.

Then I saw the dream from his perspective.
When he landed in a location, he had to bind a return key to an object.
He always bound it to a stomped on silver diet coke can,
the can had a zipper on the side that would unravel the can and turn it into a rent.

Strange.

I woke up groggy and not hungry;
That’s been happening a lot lately.

Today I met a girl named Claire at Uni.
Economics of all places.

I saw kids doing back flips in the park,
So young, gravity defying.
The kids next door are getting really into biking.
Its rad.

I went to the cafe down the rivulet track,
Guy works there. He’s a good barista.
He would have forgotten my name.
I had coffee with Megan.
Not at Hamlet. Another place.

We walked in the evening light.
I called myself Patience.
PAT for short.
“you’d have to be patient to put up with you, WAYYY BANTER”.
A classic from me.

I gave her a back rub.
Dad walked along silently.
There were no platypus.

I have an assignment due Friday.
Its stressing me out a little.
I’ll find my flow tomorrow.
French too. Eeee-gads.

My feet are cold at the moment-
I felt like I had some much more to share.
I’ve had a strange taste in my mouth recently.
Bitter, mucus, floury. odd. off.

Me-again, and I talked this evening.
Sat in bed. Shared thoughts. Bared out feelings.
Bared, funny word. All positive.
She brought up slam poetry.
I need to dig through some of my work.
It makes me nervous to think it is something i’d be interested in doing.

I cower behind the idea of not performing.
Why did you have sex with me in public?
Did I evolve your mind.

No.
How do you challenge yourself?

Meta, yourself.
Give answers you, yourself would not expect.
SURPRISE.

Self, higher self, super ego.
Constructs. Models. Theories, Ideas.
Explanations of observations.
Rose tinted glasses.
Interesting, cute, fascinating.
CURIOUS.

ZHU tickets bought.
How are zhu.
Going to the zhu.
zhu-pa-do-pa.

How does weather work?
Evaporation.
What’s the maximum travel distance of clouds before they rain?
How high up are they.
Where does rain come from?
Which direction generally?

What’s the best speech you ever saw in the flesh?
Who were some great talkers of their time.

My point was the difference between BEING somewhere, and HEARING, FEELING the speech, vs the ethereal effect of television with messages.

I wonder about mood.
Crowd feeling. Mentality.
Shared experience.
A rally. A speech. A talk. A lecture.

Skills, quirks.
Side tracked.
Real feeling-
VS Rehearsals.

Shakespeare’s sonnet 18.
Shall I compare you to a summer’s day?

Dyed my hair red.

Its Sunday night.
I felt time’s grip.
Loss of fight,
Dirt slope’s slip.

I kicked a ball,
Today, straight up.
Sunshine for all.
Half full cups.

Woke up tired,
Crammed in my car.
Bent and wired,
Seedy, curtained who-are?

You, me eyes that see.
Barely, and bleary.
Dusty, rusty, haggard and wrecked.
Feeling wasted, no self-respect.

What you put in,
Fuel and all.
It under pins
Your every call.

So spent.
Sharp pains.
Mind dents.
Tear, rains.

It was a thirtieth!
Chris. Catdog.
What a wonderful group of late 20 somethings.

Food, fire and barn dancing.

The drive was long-haul. Worth it.
I gave him wine and a bottle of fosters.
It was lame Tasmanian hookups at some stages. I danced and met lots of new people.

SPEECH, SPEACH, PEACH, APPLE FARM.

“I am what you are” & “you are what I am”.
Beautiful, simple, philosopher, poet, warrior.

Brush your teeth because, they matter.
Limit all that eating, whole platter.
The last in line, come latter.
Waist line waste or get fatter.

Today I woke,
next beautiful miss.
This no joke,
Hug and kiss.

The declaration,
I tell no lie.
First and foremost.
And I wondered why.

Tis, its because.
Everything that follows.
Could all be hung-
At tomorrow’s gallows.

So tell I the truth,
And listen close.
Next her, in youth
Is current boast.

Young and dumb
And filled with cum.
Disgusting saying,
For all our playing.

I’ve no regret,
for thinking such.
In youth, experience
Counts for much.

In age, time passed.
With time to think
From life’s tasks,
Rest and drink.

“all those girls
I used to know…
Like a fool, I
aye let them all go”

-Everybody’s gotta cut something.-

Paul Kelly. Bob Dylan.
Men, not hardly in my life,
but a life not without influences.
Poets and the lucky.

The glasses,
tinted just so.
Hold your knowledge,
experience over people.

-or under them.

She. Oh she.
She did me.
One, two, three.
Us, just… be

Just? Femme fatal.
Christ.

Today I practiced french, with friendlies from my class.
Where normallemnt je flounder, m’arrete on my arse.

I try to break a smile,
Admitt struggles as they come
But truly they’re a many
Tough to struggle on just one.

Needly!
In a hay stack.
As easy as “hey I need help”
I cant progress, by myself
Can you listen.
Help?
Pathetic.

Self loating is a power,
Awareness is our sin.
Life and love deflowered
Put me in the bin

Wearing my sporting gear,
Hot girl lend an ear
The value of a beer
Away true north steers.

Milo over there
Coffee on the table
Large cups are where?
Simulants make me able

Find and each
Coloquialism
whore, reach; peach
Your realism.

Do you like sports?
Running, flirting, dancing.
How’s your bowl of cereal?
Stagnation serial stapling.

Everyone wasted.
mum, dad, my brother and sister and I.
My family, My life. The people around me.
I hide in a shell.
A tiny man. Scared and alone.
I find out where shells come from.
I google info.
I listen to the way people speak,
What they say,
I use the same language.
I am basic.
I am hunger I am sadness.
I fear. I worry. I function.
I hold my palms face up, to show everyone my presence.
I am here, and so are you.
Watch. Agree. Nod nod nod nod nod.
Posture posture posture.
I’m going to eat until I vomit.
I want to have more ideas.
I should bring to the table everything I have and search for more.
Under the shell, there is a shadow.
Above me is the sun.
I am the son.
I am wasted.
I do not understand.
I will forget until I die.
I will write until I am admitted.
My successes and failures are a stain that erode and wash away and will barely influence me while i’m alive. Hardly noticeable to other, barely mentioned by me. And in death. What? A book – no. More like an image. Hand drawn, confused with skill-less aptitude. Simple, like me. Wasted like me. A napkin, raised in the fist, clutched by the next being; just as useless.

But, but nothing goes to waste.

Stop, stop feeth.

I AM AT UNIVERSITY TO STUDY.
I LIKE THE LIFE-STYLE; SAVE MONEY, TRAVEL, BE PASSIONATE, WORK A LITTLE.
MY DEGREE WILL GIVE ME OPTIONS, FOR NOW IT GIVES ME TIME AND A TRUE NORTH.
I BELIEVE HEALTHY MIND IN TURN YIELDS A HEALTHY BODY.
LIFE WILL THROW CHALLENGES MY WAY.
PEOPLE ARE BORN: WE WERE ALL CHILDREN
PEOPLE LIVE: SOME GROW; WE ALL EXPERIENCE
PEOPLE DIE: NOBODY ESCAPES DEATH.
FIND SOLACE IN THIS;
THE MANTRA, THE CYCLE.
PEOPLE: BIRTH, LIFE, DEATH
FOCUS UPON YOUR LIFE
THOSE THAT CAME BEFORE
AND THOSE EVER AFTER:
TIME CURES ALL WOUNDS.
DEATH IS SOME CURE.
LIFE IS OUR BURDEN
BIRTH, EVOLUTION, MAGIC AND LAUGHTER.

This was my whiteboard for the past month. It did not inspire me. I was not organised. I am smack bang in the middle of a panic attack thanks to my own inability to use my mind to cut its own incurred yellow tape.
I am a capable human beingI am a capable human beingI am a capable human being.

Breath.
Sigh.
Eat.
Sleep.
Cling to this feeling.
Try harder.

Diminishing marginal utility: “you get drunk, so you wake up with a horse”. I missed that lesson in the text book. Obviously when your understaning trancendes normal thinking this is what happens. Thanks dorky asian guy.

As luck would have it.
I’ve been writing while other people have been talking today.
The result is broken words and sentances.

There was an example of META.
Inside jokes. Self awareness.
Reflexives.