I’ve got a few notes, i’m sorry i’ve been away.
Away so long-
Its just my heart hasn’t been in it.
You know what I mean babe.
It was broken.
Fractured. Wrenched.
Hit with lead pip.
Gouged out.
Torn up.

Sweated on.
Beaten down.
Stuffed with tar and oil and pain.
And now i’m back, back to writing again.
Jealousy, madness, sympathy and rage.
All experienced, foretold this sage.

And in my experience.
I become the cynic.
Cyanide, ebbs in my putrid lake.
My fettered choices, another mistake.
And i’m dubious, i’m careful of feelings-
feeling it thoughtful, thinking of time.

Because we’re not getting any younger.
And we’re all gonna age.
We aren’t getting any younger babe-
Hearts, submerged for sharks, but for being locked away in a cage.

We could look like a rolling stone,
This could all be a snowball effect.
We could look like Jagger does now.
And that’s my heart; don’t nag, don’t frown.

I think she’s hot.
I think she’s great.
I like her.
So I don’t care what you say.
I don’t even mind her bottom.
Big and round you say?
I say, We aren’t getting any younger Dad.
So while you’ve got it-
rock it.

Some horrible people out there.
Yeah…
And they never get what they deserve.
Bad people in the world.
And they never get what’s coming to them.

We use bad people to define ourselves.
bad people play a role.
Your understanding of bad is ONLY and JUST-
Where you are at currently in your life.
You will change.
All things change.
You’re happy today, sad tomorrow.
And then you’re happy again, or sad, or dead.

Let there be horrible people.
But rejoice in not being them,
Don’t even acknowledge them.
Draw only the good out of people, if you can.
If you can do that.
Can you?

What’s the point of life?
-Living.
How do you do that?
-You work it out.

Find examples of books like Horten Heard a who.
Human beings have no scope.
Size of our beings, the shapes and function of the universe.
I can barely factor everything worthwhile together.
The tools of language for thoughts and linkages that make sense.

That seem logical. That can be perceived and experienced.
This universal thought, extrapolated, fed into, cogitated and masticated upon constantly. Formed and re-formed and shaped and said in all different ways.
The cell. The size, of us, of germs, of the atom, of the forces at work.
Of the many many small decisions, and multitudinal changes. Ongoing.
Mindblowing, minute variables. Unique, beautiful. Other times ghastly and sickening.
The unequatable sum of our tiny eyes, peering, prying, wondering and applying.

Its beyond our just “adding up”.
We try out bestest. We practice and form models and shapes.
We look at nature, we create wonders of our own.
We entertain.
We are virus. We are planet.
Suffering gravity, thoughtless of this most of the time.
Not metaphor or simile; SIM-I-LIE.
We are all.
This goes beyond-
internal to external, minute the massive.
Lost in the space between finger and thumb.
The handle of a door and the hand.
Turn it over some more, all those similar thoughts.
So much samey, samey thinking.
What a common idea that we scratch at.
A twinkle in the eye, respite at the thought blossoms.

Osmosis Jones.
Horton Hears a who.
Perspective and scope.

Though its darker than December.
Longitude and latitude dictate the amount of light we get. Seasonally, December could be either. But it’s darker than both options we assume.
Where are you?

And its raining.
And i’m looking for someone, through friends of friends.
And i’m pent up.
Sore, tightly bound and wound in swound, lapping at me like the ocean waves.
The current, I am in, makes me anxious.
thoughtful and forgetful. Ready and impatient.
Worrysome and other people irksome.

I should practice writing on a topic perhaps.
Have some lineage. Have some discipline.
More functional, more fitness.

Father wakes up early.
He’s gone, out the door before 8.
I worry about his left leg, his limp isn’t getting any better.

The rain on the iron roof makes me think of exes.
My mosquito bites itch.
I feel an overwhelming desire to wash all of my sheets.

The coffee was savory. Citrus toward bitter.
The green tea is earthy, hints of bamboo, silty.
I watched a female comedian yesterday. She was good.

I forget people’s names.
I make dinner while I eat breakfast, I say yes to friends.
Asking friends if they are busy later.

My brother turns 30.
I felt the stress of wanting to buy him a gift.
Something personal, and yet I couldn’t possible dig a well within myself.

Instead I ate lots of food and rested.
A real worry for a young man like me.
And here I am wondering at my shallowness- so many things to do.

And more to say.
More and more and more.
It should never stop.

But a considered approach is warranted.
Comedy is like semen.
I offer it to you guys freely.

If I put it in the right place, something will grow inside you.
I’m only here to make the women laugh apparently.
[aside] I’m single – nobody loves me.

I’m probably unlovable.
Semen. Such a happy word, I reckon.
Put in the right place, the laughter will grow.

Pretty jovial thought. If you put it somewhere wrong.
Like on your clothes, it’ll annoy you.
Eat away at both of us, make you feel sick.

Eat away at you, sounds like I have acid jizz.
Imagine that. Put behind bars? No problem, these walls cannot hold me!
Get Sherlock Holmes on the line.

Massages are all booked!
Sons of guns. Remedial, bollocks.
Knots and relaxation. No freedom. No therapy.

Today i’ll be selling cheese in the rain.
Today I might see Claire and some others for a social beer in the park.
I’ll pay my way first though.

So stiff, so cold. Tired eyes.
In-need of a reset. A pamper. A self loving afternoon.
Rest and recovery.

The porridge of our daily lives.
Something to protect. Immune system, boosted.
The complex inner workings of our lives.

The narrative that rolls and folds upon itself,
like a fresh loaf of bread. Kneaded and pressed.
Baked, arise. Renewed. Tanned a golden brown.

Flaked with goodness of oats and seeds.
The smell of warmth, an invitation.
Like childbirth and its strange cravings.

Tomato juice, causes red hair.
No, no no no no. Nonsense.
One is not conditional of the other. Ad Hoc.

Creation. The creation story.
A snide remark here, an added hominem.
Homonym. Double meanings.

-Toilet-

Not sure if i’ve been over doing it.
I’ve been having toast for breakfast most mornings.
Yoga before that, and again in the afternoon. Just tried a “long, slow, deep” class last night. It was wonderful and felt authentic. Really quite enjoyable.
The new woman taking classes. “Kelly” I think she calls herself is a little bit too nasal. Chipper, and chummy. A fair dinkum chump. A touch too loud. Does not put me at ease. I don’t relax around her. I don’t rest.
Fare. Food. Fair. Nice. Okay. Deep.
ambiguous words!

Associatives in words.
Contraction – pregnancy.
Consenting – sex
Subtle gearing. Undertones and ripple.
Light shining on my face, eyes closed, lids red.

Negative Alternatives.
I’m sore but i’m not broken.
I’m stiff because i’m cold. I’ve been working, late nights.
Thinking of J and not G.

Your family could be gone; you the only one left.
You could have been born without a leg, or other limb of a kind.
Fallen from a cliff.
Been poisoned.
Not been born (a blessing)? – No. Not for tears, but for want of laughter and meaning.
You could have been brought up in a different time.
Oppressed even.
Malnourished.
You could have been caught stealing;
Had your hand remove.
Been impotent (be) – let’s hope.
Lived a shorter life.
Had a lover that died in your arms.
These, these other stories. Some may be true.
They may just have happened to you.
But if they have not, feel blessed.
And if, if they have: I, and many others like me are here for you.
You have experienced early.
Done what others have not, not yet or will never.
Store that. The thoughts, memories.
Not one thing you have done has been done before.
Temporally, physically, mentally. Unique in one’s tragedy.
In life. You are experienced. Own up to this.
You can, from this insight bless and help others, and in likeness they may help you.
I will listen, as will they.
To suggest and help where we can.
Open your mind to the possibilities and the happiness in your position.
Free yourself from torment.
Don’t punish yourself with suffering
and thoughts of deserving or undeserving.
Focus only on the one thing.
One.
Pretend you are sick.
Think of yourself with a lack of energy.
Now imagine you have only two breaths left to live.
Find peace.
Rest. Be slow to this comfort.
With each breath you find another the gives life. Where each is the last before your last.
Embrace the ritual. The magnitude and seriousness of your life.
Don’t furrow your brow or let air get caught in your long neck.
Rest in the slow elongated laneway to your lungs.
Treat them as one.
Ride your chests rising and falling.
Puff up as if to float, surfing a wave in, to the shore.
Find simple resolve in yourself.
Free from soreness.
your stiffness becomes liquid-
Join with your senses.
Find warmth, meander through your thoughts as they come.
To you. Break from anger.
Restrain nothing.
Seek what you want.
Allow what you have found, only you.
Yourself, not distraction.
A gift of breath, flesh and muscle.
Present.
Walk in your mind, move now- in joy.
Blissfully, say nothing. For that is your want and mine.
I am with you.
Smile and give only that.
Sit with your cognitions now.
Stare out, with gentle focus-
a bountiful aura of enjoyment. Can you?
Walk on-
and mind not the price of visiting upon yourself nourishment.
Water with herbs, or honey, milk or spice.
Walnuts.
Baguette and the oil of olive.
Figs and cheese.
Choose with cherubian glee.
Eat one something, you enjoy. But in small portion, make your body utilize each tiny fragments for sustenance.
Sip water patiently.
Guzzling is to rush through life’s needs and mistake one’s wants.
Count to a high number, as is your want
Laugh after eating.
Feel jolly and patient, recognising your impatientness-
maybe tired, itchy or unaccustomed to your surroundings.
breath into your surroundings. From your calm internal craft an external you wish to be at peace with.
Rock from side to side. A gentle sway.
Find a writing tool.
Draw circles until you are tired, or the tool runs dry.
Stretch up your arms.
Bend your back, back.
Forwards. Now rotate your chest.
blink strongly.
Feel the reverberations in your ears.
Smile.
Breathe in and make any sort of sound.
Lick your lips.
Swallow.
Smell
You are ready.

Memory place. Thought centre. Centre. SENT A. Cent hey. Scent her.
And her scent today, this morning was lapping over my comfortable walls.
Stalwart. Stoic. Red eyed. Dripping.
Yoga this morning, human puddle.
Emotional tyranny.
Tyrannosauraus resc-you. Ressuscitate me.
Men in arms, don’t feel that much.
Cohen- speak to me and i’ll react. Tinny stage performance.
I wait for the battery to.
Flat flat flat, beat. Click your fingers.
Wash your clothes. Your aching back, a late start.
The holy voice of the choir.
The songs almost without word, but full of meaning.
The message, its feeling. Affects me so.
Like a running tide, to evaporate and shower.

I’m impatient. I want to trawl deep withing myself for words and soulful sounds.
Reflections of value.
I thought of asking a person a “complec” a complex question today.
“Stop me if this is too much, but what do you attribute value too in your life”
And they would say, “OK”. And that would be it.
Because they would stop me, but that wouldn’t stop anything truly. If a question is asked the effects follow. The thoughts tangent. The reaction cannot be stoppered!
So then give it time, and they will answer.
They will give a delayed response, maybe not even to you.
Its queer.
I feel like that’s going on now with Wil.
The sidetracked things I say, the pot that I stir in him and others.
The entertainment. The value, the seriousness. The mistakes, the friendships born of sharing to be burdened by violence, disagreement and anger.
POP! And the bubble bursts.
The bubble burts!. Bert. And you’ve earned yourself a mono-brow of plastic that covers your nose. Breathe if you can.
Pink and purple, grey white, flavourless.

I think i’ll go to the beach.

I put on clothes. They have a past, they have meaning.
Gifts from family members. Dear to my heart.
I look for connections between things;
things out there, actions, reactions, specimens, examples.
In the ether, the cosmos. The shapes of words.
Their beginning letter, the function of them towards meaning.
Nothing has meaning.
Human kindness and interactions! Surely.
Sure enough. Surely surely.
But we are limited by form. By the existence of forms.
I find myself prickling at the need, yet my loss for invention.
My eyes, peering over.
Peering at.
Peering.
Looking at a distance. A stretch of space I could measure out if I had the will for it.
The want.
W.
Meaning.
Shareable.
Relateable
Real.
Repeatable.

“I’m over insided”. That’s what she said.
She, the girl, woman, person that I don’t really know.
I asked, after telling her I was “OK”, that I didn’t know what that meant.
She’d “been inside all day”.
I spoke of how I wanted to go to the beach.

I bumped into some people I knew later that day. I lied. I exaggerated.
I’d done it before. Its just, that conversations of the nature where you can embellish, well- I suppose I choose to detract from their meaning.
Its a narration of the thought, its a sick twist, underlining the matter.

Some of the people I message. Jasper, Julia – didn’t respond.
Jasperation I called him.
Ju-Ju, I called her.
I asked about yoga, their lack of response suggests that I “find my own path”.
What a selfish crowd. It makes my ducts flood.
My neck withers and wilts, must I look up to save face. Give a moment for the thoughts to drain down the back. Over the waterfall, the sink of my neck. Emptying into the eddies of my trunk and limbs.

I’m searching still. Sitting, staring, peering, looking.
Using all that i’ve observed, heard and felt. I’m swirling it all together in my pot of a mind. Black thoughts, trying- piecing.
Thinking of ways to reduce mystery to simplicity and pierce into the fabric of natural order. Using these tools! These tools of words.
Thinking in order. Associating one object to another.
Similes!
Metaphors.
Simplifying, and reducing where I can, bringing together things that aren’t the same and seeing them as one. As they are or might be on another scale.
I have no scale!
This Horten Heard A Who.
This physic.
“UNDERSTANDING MODELS” will be the book title.
All things, unique, grande and small are one and the same.
Sometimes, something, somehow, somewhat, somewhat is someother.
And that other is all.
And I will live to see and feel some of it true.
But not all.
So much is lost, and the cold sets in.
I stretch and grow old, without the possibility of regeneration.
Plant a potato on my grave. Scatter my ashes as you want.
To the wind or as a fertilizer.
I will have will for nothing more.
We should keep track of ourselves, maybe that will change how we evolve for better.
Epicurean.
Cheese knives.
Chess.
Games.
Models. Systems, plans, rules, organisations.
Emotions, feelings, reactions, words, sight, smell, hearing, feeling, taste, altered, normalized.
Think how you will, the distance unmeasured in the kitchen.
The flowers from the funeral growing old themselves, go un-smelt by me.
They wither, I look at the ceiling. Trying to comprehend a black hole.
Is it cancer?
Are we men and women two parts of a virus? No, we’re not like a virus. We are alive.
Are cells in their basic forms like viruses? What does bacteria do? If I kiss you with an open mouth am I trying to kill you? Do we react so badly to one-another?

What would happen if I spent 4 days in water. Does water eventually erode you? When would the sore appear? Would I die? Just a tank, up to my neck. What would my skin do? How would I feel?
Basic human needs. Eat, drink, defecate, urinate, word-ate.
Share.
And how you view all things, what you’ve heard, what you’re willing to share at the dinner table, what you wear on your sleeve.
Like sleet. I’d rather sleep.
Hollow breaths. Tired mind, swirling mind.
Self talk, at a loss to the patterns that emerge. In gravity. The helix, the symmetry, the natural forces, the mathematics, the shape of a circle is unnatural. The center, the centre: it doesn’t exist.
Its not graphable, its not the model, its not real.
Its a construct. Very imaginative. Points on a board.
Bored I am, without invention and discovery we are just entertaining ourselves.
Our identities, our sex, our money.
Masturbation, self love, loathsome pass times, sickness, disease, loss.
We are lost, waiting for others to give us discovery.
eternal youth, problem solving minds for the wanton entertainment driven.
I sweat.
I swear to myself over a scalding black coffee.
The heat disperses itself. Sweat wipes down my body.
Whipping myself for my hypocrisy.
Drink driving talk kills me.
Mistakes, gambles, accidents, fear, death and the human plague.
Our polluted minds of good and evil-
The reaction to all sorts of torture.
Everything. To have been born, to wait out the some.
The sum of this whole.
The hole, void of emotion.
Black words, on black background spill forth from our dilated pupils.
No resentment, just wide eyes fascination at a feeling that is our thoughts without words.
Natural and pre-dating shapes, symbols or models for shared understanding.
Lost blackness, runs down my back.
Pools for eyes.
Vision for I.
Unshareable.
Unbearable.
Penny for my thoughts? I dream of death.
Call the boatsman, on his curious flotsam.
This rabble racket, dropping and dripping in my mind.
Do you mind, slowing down, hurrying up.
Paddle as you may, you never learn to swim.
Soon the water erodes, and its not the key to eternal life.
Its not beauty, its not fair or just.
Its just the end.
Something you cannot fend.
It happens, it happened.
She’s gone, nothing’s wrong or wronged.
This trident in this tyrant its pronged-
piercing me.
Us, us three.

The new chapter of my life begins today.
And the weather woman dictates rain. I wave to the familiar people as I leave the studio. I say nothing, a simple gesture. I have no wants, needs or expectations of them, of you. I give my weak, broken smile to you all across the room.
Ready for another humble day, free to do as I please. Active and middling.
Coffee and eggs. An apricot.

Its been a distressing start to the year. With my mother passing away suddenly yet peacefully, i’m assured I can only now after three weeks begin to breathe.
My mind has been dormant, healing.
Fractured. My heart and mind, mimic and mourn what otherwise I feel should have been. Something that was precious, was from me taken. And I wasn’t even there.
I am wracked with guilt and anger. Lost again, and only just now trying my legs at walking towards a path that may bring about healing. To occupy my being.
To rejuvenate and replenish against the trauma, and barren desolation that swept through my life. How fragile. So like jelly. This arrowhead has embedded itself.
I see inside myself and worry about nothing else.
Knowing that ultimately its I that can be the only one to reach in, acknowledging the pain and remove it. Nothing here needs to be pushed through, the procedure is foreign as I wish it always stayed.
I believed myself armoured against all of this. But my casing was soft where I attribute love. I value family, I prize the caring company, my upbringing. The selfless acts that bore my flesh as both blessing and curse into this world.
And I will always hold this inside myself.
The good and the bad. And I will flow like water. Unknown toxicity, a risk to bear for all. To threaten one it to threaten all.
More and more, deeper and deeper the head penetrates.
My own mind rattles. Body weak. Heart pumping at a lost cause.
But my exterior endures. I will hold this, like all other things. For the time being in my hands, slowly my self-embrace, won’t be necessary. My arms by my side, process having passed I’ll be able, wizened to help, advise and guide others. And this I look forward to. To being the cynic and wise man. But now I bleed and seethe.
But my direction is coming clearer now.
The mist parts. The people lose their question-mark heads.
And I will explain and hug freely.
Give love and exclaim.
Direction again at last!
Out of mystery,
Welcome mastery.

The challenge has been and will always be to write my brain.
Write my brain in the here and now. Accurately.

Predating language is sensation and emotional feeling. So when you think to yourself you think in words, but before even that; sometimes your thoughts permeate as feelings only. As tangible as colours, you sense. React and wonder in an inexplainable way.

“Are you right?”
-Yes, but i’d rather be left… alone.

“THE QUANGLE WANGLE’S HAT”

Guy’s name in bottleshop: Malcom.

Claire – Fringe actress.

I experienced an emotional rent today.
An feeling that ran through me.
As my feet beat a path along the rivulet track,
gravel scuffing and sliding and grinding under the tread of my trainers.
I came to the water reservoir by cascade and an opening occurred.
From my memory to my senses. A sudden ghost, dormant was awakened.
Unwanted sensitivity brushed over my nerves and made me frown.
Cringing away from this turbulent internal swirl I ran on with renewed vigor.
My agitation set my brow to more of a furrow as a scowl took over my lips. By chest beat a heavy rhythm and my right lung asked questions of me.

I have thought a lot while running, and forgotten more.
If I could,
If I had the heart i’d run with pen and paper in my hands.
Just to capture the many strands
Ideas of would and should.
Good and bad wonderings and wishes.
Why did mum always do the dishes.
Where are all the well-wishers?

How long will this last.
Why do I wear this mask.
Peace I know, is too much to ask.
Pucker up, remember your task.
Put down your flask.
Summers sun bask.
Tomorrow you can set sail, fly the mast.

One memory per day.
That’s all you have to do.
Before bed.
After work.
Don’t get caught up cooking dinner or anything silly like that.
No time for gravy or roasts.
Food is fuel and there is so much more to life once you’ve nailed the basics.
The dutch way, throw it all in a pot and cook it.
Maybe that’s Indian.
I’m not to know. I should really check out India.
India and New Zealand.
Someboy stole my shoes.
Somebody.
Anybody.
Let me rage, my knee a hinderance? I wonder.
YOGA. Every day. A retreat, that would be nice wouldn’t it.
Some day, some time, just to relax, get in touch with my internal self.
Flex my mind, stretch my body. Sweat and move and think and flex and move and stretch and meet people and share myself. And smile, even if behind that smile is a cracked visage. A broken plate, a fractured windscreen. A decree dropped in a blender. A writ for my own arrest. A warrant for my own poison. A smile that’s fettered with the memory of loss. My rancor, hidden in the bog of my mind. Submerged. Boiling with want, lusting to be let loose on earth. Saved for a rainy day. When the bog swells and the unnatural groans can spread wildly from its ordinarily quiet shores.
And the maw, clean and dark. Teeth brushed, shining bright. Emanating like some sick nuclear disaster. Pulsing, perfect glinting whiteness. Gilded with stress lines. Strong and hypnotizing. Fascinating, reptilian fang. Sharp and frozen. Undesirable wants. Conflicted. Self-satisfied suffering.
Breathing heavily.
Thumbs up to another jogger, smiling in every way but my eyes.
They are the pits of elsewhere. A gargantuan, otherworldly mention.
Flies do not fly.
Apples do not fall.
Canines tails drop to the floor.
And my eye look out among.
Eyebrows quiver.
Like minded, my gaze like arrows pierce my surroundings.
Look. Look obtuse. Pointed, angry.
If a flame could leap from a gaze, then the thatch of the world would burn.
Mirrors show no cool reflection. I must divert or feel myself stirred to an unwanted fire. Cinder and snow, showing past the toothy grin spreading from gums and lips.
So false, blood could erupt from my every pore.
Gasoline smell, a clicking of teeth, the sparking of a match.
My frail structure of triangles, no bridge could hold the weight on my shoulders, no provide a girder over this void in space.
A maw that opens up and takes all.
Nothing is chewed, there is only peace and darkness.
My eyes, satellited that beam nothingness into reality.
My open mouth, sobbing, gasping breaths would devour all if it weren’t for my teeth.
My bright-white teeth. Stronger than bone or gaolers arms.
Imprisoning the darkness withing. Smiling wide, undented bars;
Holding behind them, the depths of all that I hold dear.
My sacred suffering, my hangups that eat away and torture me.
Wracked and seething, flooding my eyes.
The lids would boil if not for my tears.
Hot streaks of the salted oceans. Infinite shards of rock and broken glass.
A crayon within me breaks each day as the spectrum of my colourful nature shudders and bakes in the foil of my being.
I will never be stuffed. I am not an apple.
There is no sugar, no syrup of life.
Where once I was a grape, to have escaped being peeled, only to have dried up in the heat of my own angers. My mirror gaze, the loss of tears, dried up.
Resembling rat shit, I am a raisin.
Foiled by my own thinkings. My eighty percent, evaporated.
Yes, my father would be proud.
To have lived to see all of my friends die.
To have succummed to drag.
Whence once was fabulous, now all is unreal and I am something that I am not.
Cordial sweet, but waterless.
Bastard is my base, and memories fade.
Close my eyes to bring about the death of the day.
We all deal with this tragedy, grief in our own way.
“Its OK” “It happens”.