Where would I begin with you?
I hold you at arms length.
I cannot break down those doors.
Remembering when I kissed you,
-now you text me asking what more.
Its all changed, the calls different.
There is no longing, i’m content,
Most of the time, i’m happy.
Peaceful, pleasant to think quietly –
or otherwise, in the bustling.
Thinking my own thoughts.
Forced or fluid. Giving looks,
judging, applying what I see, think, hear and feel.
I wonder if fucking makes you stupid.
The stories, sicken me.
You touch your leg, are you anxious?
I feel like it weirds me out a little.
There are others, I’m objectified.
I wonder what you say in your mind.
I give you blank stare, I spread gaze over you,
Not cool, not calculated or confident.
I am null. Inert. I do not add or subtract
I do exist, but I merely reside.
Why must I crack ice? I am not warm nor cool.
Though your fallen exterior smarts at my lack of movement.
Must I be the friction that melts all?
Should my breath be the warm air,
The addition that melts your heart.
I ride, I put in the effort.
I take on sugar, I ruin myself.
I worry, and miss what I should truly be doing.
I should be selfish. I am. Aren’t I?
Is this a tug of war?
Why cant I win?
Why is there this personality,
Does my persona change.
What are my clothes saying.
Their meaning: tonight.
I need to shower.
To rest, to get better.
I want love.
To sit cross legged, watch the pools of your eyes.
As you breathe in and out
As you dehydrate under the bright sun.
Your eyes twinkle and your minds turns.
Intricate or heavy handed. Thoughts in form.
Formed and spat, spouted, posited, mulled, chewwed,
regurgitated, torn, misaligned.
Share with me. Everything.
As your voice talks,
Your mind becomes unplugged and you reveal your turmoil and your bias and the conflict.
Sit with me and share,
And in doing so. Love me.
And I will love you.