Another day

Another day for self improvements wasted with impression. Baby sitting, nursing unrest and indecision. Stuck and drawn, hung and questioned. Quested feelings of falsehood. Flights to nowhere, thought not quite knitting. The bail of water passing through me. Sitting in a dinghy, the one we planned to meet in when we each dreamed. I’ll pay for dinner, I’ll pay for silence, chest X-RAY. When your heart is gone, when the cough you have could take your life. My anger, frustration and the impact of you letting me down. Air softly pouring out of your chest. What are these choices, my fear of losing you folds like a towel. Howling frustration for my lack of control of others. A disorder in me- the train leaves the platform, the steam is hot, luxury until you are burnt by the wand. handholding my sacrificial lover. Port in my belly sloshing around, my transport undocked, berth unknown. Where is my company, my caring? This horrible cycle. Nothing can be put in this body. Virus, general, venerable. What happens to my tickets if you die?

I’ve lost a little bit lately. Is this contagious? Overwithdrawn, coma, custard, loss of home, of hope. Stop, test, rest, relax. Mood changed, games played. Fido, fitness, hapless lung wheezing, heart palpitations. Risk and family fallout.

My big brother who I used to look up-to: I pray that he lives long enough to look down on me. Dead and buried. I haven’t the heart for loss. I don’t like funerals. If you die it will rinse my heat and bleed it of all fun and colour. The pallor of cheeks, the flush of my mint. Grey matter would all become. The enjoyment, taste and joy would cripple me. A frozen memory. Light blue, white eyes, fear and pulsing dateless, rates. The bill, siren-like moans the wail of women in black coats. The sterility of the whole mass. Foaming filth reigning down. Textureless, tooth rotting pain. Poison like the leukaemia. No hair, pain and shame. The loss of expression, eyebrows gone. A book of memories: stuck in yeaster-year. Unappealing fear, waterfalling between the rocks. Dripping cavern of my mouth, hollow like the space between two semi-colons. Waiting, hoping. A writers nightmare. Honest moment of dissolution; annihilation; all that time. My heart, your heart, a broken clock. The moments pass but I won’t count them. Unlooking, this faceless drama. Despair despair despair. Don’t leave me: if you leave me I’ll never forgive you. If you leave me it’s for the best. All this access, this turmoil, feeling and hopeless frozen hearts. Gas passing through lips awful open rents. Orifices to poison, what is true outside and in. Killing me and you. Breath enough for both. Fabled father, holy mother, step brother. Don’t take the path to heaven. If tomorrow comes and I’ve the time. The energy to pay your hospital bills. You are 5.0 stars. Aligning, heartfelt. Dusty displeasing happenstance will not befall is again. We need to put this past away. I will make sure of it. The importance of the moment has slept in our dark hearts. Art of blood and the gash of skull- you have plenty of time. But that’s not right is it? It’s now, now now now now now now: I want my past. A smiling, hole in the heart presence. Curves and childlike misfortune. It might all pass you by if I blink. This infinity of speech will gouge you- the bore I am, final injustice that my words accompany this absence. Unfinding dissatisfaction. Please, son and brother. Idol and friend. Don’t go. Stay with me, stay with us. Be in our pride, treat yourself in kind. Fairytales of bookless lives- happily ever after is not what I ask, nor the possession of a broken clock. If the electricity of my pulse these words can change, my love helping to rest your gasps. Choking whistles of a train, coming or going? Please put on the breaks, pulse, live live live! And this link from clenched jaw, molars grinding at a hopeful’s heart. Hope, poison like knowledge. What can I do? What do you want.

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