The scatter of emotional reaction.
Everything is great. I go to university, I choose what I learn. I read all about these things, I pay you to read what I think and have to say. You pay attention to me, read critically, mark, assess, agree, disagree. My ideas.
There are other things that I do, but this is a big part of me.
I focus, read, write, focus and try. I pay for food, I am supported. My basic needs are covered. Why is everything difficult? Is it that I haven’t put my next aims and goals into place. What do I want?
I read one thing. I realize, somehow that I’ve let you down and I’ve let myself down not knowing. I’m angry. People make me angry. Influence me, and affect my emotions. I wish you weren’t around, I wish I was free of people. Nobody there to distract me.
I could do so much, free from the anger and confusion you bring me.
My jovial attitude, my enjoyment, alone but learned not to be lonely.
I could be happy like that. Why do I blame others. Why do people influence me, have sway. Why do I like being a people person. I felt like the effect of my positive nature might make brilliant and wonderful ripples. But like a functioning relationship between others, it can breed jealousy and annoyance in the casual observer. This dissonance, fall from grace must be cured somehow.
But I am lost, i’m still discovering who I am. 35 is middle aged- in the bible. I still have a long time to waste, spend, try as I see fit before then.
Life is easy. I have so many things. There shouldn’t be any stress.
I am a functioning human being, doing things should be easy.
Time slips away, I just need to make chips. Small portions, towards what I wish to achieve. Every single day.