It was good.
Lost poker friday. Karma I suppose.
I was MR. Bank. All the dollar bills, last card, taken out Dec.
He wins on highcard. “Amazing. Terrible”.
Lindsay went out for dinner. “The corn was good”.
Rat man had crystal MD. “what the fuck was that all about”.
Zee had a really annoying bite-y puppy. “Control that thing”
Shannon went out.
Other gents come and go. “just chilled”
My sister is 21. (I am not there).
I fall asleep.
The next day I walk with Kayne and his lovely fling girlfriend to my old work.
Then I headed out to brunch with Linds, Jon, Ella and PIP (?).
“Why the fuck is this stranger joining us, i’ve spent 24 years of my life being genuine and introducing myself to people, I feel sometimes it hasn’t paid off. Furthermore some relationships haven’t endured, I challenge you stranger. INTRODUCE YOURSELF if you are worth while” – something in that, the see-saw of self worth – effort – politeness – potential – the moment.
Imagine yourself, of a normal mindset on a regular day.
I read over an email just before. My train of thought, its a joke to read back over.
Bullshit, forced, childlike, ramblings. Is that ok with me? Is that ok with you?
Is my mind constantly bubbling away over nonsense? At dinner when I had psychopathic thoughts, didn’t act upon them, avoided their existence. Supressed, not brought into existence in word form. Thoughts, words regarding actions not-done, REACTION.
The brain plug idea.
If you have a thought, share it. I dare you. Spit it out, see where it takes you. Acknowledge the thought in the moment, because you are operating on the real planar existence of socialising. Not animal, not self-aware. Constant. You are the brain. You are a freak. You are not the entire person. You are the head on a string. The string is a spine that aids you to your defying of gravity. It stands you over many other creatures. “erect”. Boggle. Google.
A BILLION. A billion changed, a billion got smaller. Why. How. We have a small billion people, six of them.
So there we were at brunch.
Pip’s getting married.
“Are you guys sharing a bank account” – there I go. BLAM. Shameless.
Raw random gold.
She tried to play along. My food was average.
Carrot, tabouleh, bean sprouts, falafel. Grim cheap shit. Meh.
Tonight I binged on food so much.
I’ve put on so much weight recently, I feel fatter in the face. What’s that all about.
I wonder if I can apply it to my brain plug model. But emotionally.
Am I lonely? I thought about getting a puppy.
I hate dogs.
“I just think they’d be less effort that having a girlfriend”
haha “I just think” – what the fuck kind of commoner speak is that.
The David Bowie exhibition was great. Shannon and I had a good look around.
I saw Niki today. I rested my chin on the top of her head as she leaned into my chest.
I hugged her, laughed and missed the feeling. Not her as such. Just the idea.
I am at a place in my life where I am unbearable. I don’t think I am consistent – in any aspects.
Drugs, drinking, school, work. Not enough rest. My brain burns.
Saturday was the festival.
E E E.
I was giving head massages later. Feeling very lovely.
Dec didn’t eat, the bag of bones. Fuckbag.
Saw all the gang. Smoked cigarettes. (god dammmmmmit!)
Stayed up late, dug everyone and everything. Chatted, smiled, danced, got over it.
Paying for Linds, easy to justify my cameo to myself.
I had the Nicoise salad. Spelling might be cracked there.
Forgot about my quizz online. Ate watermelon, orange juice, sunshine, reading, water, snooze.
Thought about everything you intake into your body.
Does it build you? Or will it demand to eventually leave your body. “Energy” “piss” “SHIT”.
Sweat, snot, earwax, toe jam, scar tissue, skin, hair, saliva, nails… BELLYBUTTONFLUFF.
So be content, when you can.
thank you brain. Fire your bullshit.
Too much coffee production, drinking and producing. My need. My output, is high.
I am a high output kinda guy. Look inward. Focus, change your ways, while your young…
Mitch was late to meet up with his mum and brother.
I met up with Niki and Tilde.
we talked. Many things.
I had white wine and squid. It was ok.
Before people talk, “they” do something.
I should write my blog in french. That would be interesting. I might try tomorrow.
I do have a test coming up. Hahah that’s genius. Retain that.
People should stand up before they talk.
Imagine that. You’re standing up for what you believe in.
Old fashioned. People would weigh up their words more.
From sitting to standing.
the change, the measured importance.
I’d like to make a black and white film about it.
Would it facilitate conversation.
Kill small talk.
make people brood more?
Would they follow the rules? Be content?
I’ll have to test it to find out.
everyone is different.
Do our subconsciouses hide things from us?
What are we doing next year? “We’re at that point in our lives”.
I desire someone.
Need, for company.
Flesh on flesh.
Not sex. Just to be close.
Hold me? HOLD ME.
HOLD. Let us be.
Curled, crushed up together.
Two spoons, TWO SPOONS?
Vines. Leaves on the ground,
I will be your jacket.
wear me until I get old.
Cast me away when you’re done.
Get someone else to patch me up,
this is no longer a time where people have those qualities,
skills, practices. Indeed.
Sewn together, frayed and splayed, we’ve changed.
But now I am alone. Discarded, defended, hesitant, aware, worried, scared, existentialist,
frightened, confused, open, demanding, unhinged, mad, tragically sad, inconsistent, pensive, restricted, flippant, small minded, overbearing, hypocritical, tired, shy, opposite, deeply unattractive, horribly attracted.
What is that?
Its Monday. My head has caved.
My eyes water. Time to close these bulbs.
My bright eyes. Sick with guilt, faded, alone and gluttonous.
I am numb. Warm, malcontent.
and the birds that you drew on the butchers paper.
They don’t come home. You burn those memories.
We’ve all changed.
We all have needs.
We’re all very different.