Who here inthe front row doesn’t remember my name.
Thats ok.
First in best dressed.
All of you… Are… Asleep.

That’s ok, you. I’ll buy you a drink after the gig and we can do introductions.
I just want to welcome you guys… To this space.
Where nobody really know’s anybody.
I mean, you guys probably know someone, but you certainly don’t know me.
Even if you didn’t put up your hand and you remember my name. Well done.
Welcome. To this space anyway;
My name is Patrick.
We’re here to laugh, judge, and hopefully have some fun.

So; who irons their underpants? Noone.
Who folds them… Ahhh some of you. Great.
Who walks while texting?
Yes… Good. I see some cross-over,
Some people doing both.
Ummm… So WHY?!
You WASTE-time, folding your underpants,
Then you SAVE-time; (brackets!: asking for death and destruction, oncomming traffic and shit)

So what is that? “Chaos theory”. You’re welcome. That’d be a four years of HECS-debt.

I always thought it was HEX. (Turn you into a frog, taboo, curses yeah, vodoo and shit) Until i went back for another 4 years and did english literature. And then I knew it was just that.
Put a HECS ON YOU!
Fuck that. Which is scarier you know.

by texting mum, seeing if she’ll be cooking something vegan for dinner tonight or are you going to have to buy your own dust, water and lemon-rind curry.

I looked at the world the other day,
ON A MAP.
Does it matter if the map is big or small?
NO. (Idiots in the front row)
Nonsensicle heckles.

But the map right (it was a big map) well biggish.
I’ve seen bigger. We all have, i mean… The internet.
Redtube.

So i looked at the world!
And i really have to become a nomad.
Travel the world. But only see the good bits, right?
Because the shit bits… Well; i may as well be working full time,
Doing a desk job thing, having sex with work collegues on the weekend,
Dealing with their issues 9-5.
Wear a tie.
Have a coffee for breakfast,
Worry about my weight,
My birthday party next month,
My cat (fuck.. did i feed my cat)
What am I saving for again? A house.
Snotty kids?

Isn’t it weird that we’re all here.
Like. Who here wants to have kids.
That’s great! One for you, one for your partner and one for Australia.
“Overpopulation, coming soon”
Unless we all die of… Well everything.
Because surely it’ll all happen at once.
Ice age. Global warming. Famine. Drought. Aliens. Hunger. Homelessness.
Some of you came here for waxxy sort philosophical solutions.
3…4 words.
MARS & Richard Branson.

The more I look at him, the more he resembles a rattle-snake-man.

Like maybe the dinosaurs didn’t die out… They evolved and went to mars.
Far out, this is some waxxy shit isn’t it. Philosophy done wrong.
You’re welcome.

So maybe this alien Branson is the key.
I read one of his books,
He said at the end of one of them that he’s dyslexic.
Just leaving me there like “what…the fuck,.. Did I just read)?