-trying to get even-

we’d had any number of joints and some
beer and I was on the bed stretched out
and she said, “look, I’ve had 3 abortions
in a row, real fast, and I’m sick of
abortions, I don’t want you to stick that
thing in me!”

it was stickup up there and we were both
looking at it.
“ah, come on,” I said, “my girlfriend fucked
2 different gues this week and I’m trying to
get even.”

“don’t get me involved in your domestic
horseshit! now what I want you to do it
to BEAT that thing OFF while I WATCH!
I want to WATCH while you beat that thing
OFF! I want to see it shoot JUICE!

“o.k. get your face closer”

she got it closer and I spit on my palm
and began working.

it got bigger. just before I was ready I
stopped, I held it at the bottom
stretching it,
the head throbbed
purple and shiney.

“oooh,” she said.
she ducked her mouth over it, suck at
it and
pulled away

“finish it off,” I said.

“no!”

I whacked away and then stopped again
at the last moment and held it at the
bottom and waved it all around the
bedroom.

she eyed it
fell upon it again
sucked and pulled away.
we alternated the process
back and forth

again and again.

finally I just pulled her off
the chair
onto the bed
rolled on top of her
stuck it in
worked it
worked it
and came.

when she walked back out of
the bathroom she said,
“you son of a bitch, I love you,
I’ve loved you for a long time.
when I get back to Santa Barbara
I’m going to write you. I’m
living with this guy but I hate
him, I don’t even know what I’m
doing with him.”

“o.k.,” I said, “but you’re up
now. can you get me a glass of
water? I’m dry.”

she walked into the kitchen and
I heard here remark that
all my drinking glasses were
dirty.

I told her to use a
coffee cup. I
heart the water running and I
thought, one more fuck
I’ll be even
and I can be in love with my girlfriend again-
that is
is she hasn’t slipped in an
extra
and she probably
has.

-uneven-

night came. I
flagged.
Pale and done with it
all.
Early to rise so bed came
calling.

I answer.
only to have emotional bears
stand over me shaking
hands
asking
questions.
I say goodnight.
rolling over

tea scalds the
inner lining of my mouth.
the skin peels away,
dead like smeg
or the skin of a snake
I sit up,
nursing the brilliant heavy cup
in both my hands

the steam tears my eyes
even
the handle is
hot
Seeking out this dessert
of pain and warmth
instead of others.

Gripping
the thoughts of what matters
firm in my hands.
sipping
angry old leaves
‘asbestos mouth’
she would say it to me
any time of day.

old saying
she had a few of those
“oh god,” she’d say
“jesus
mary-and-joseph,.”
it would come out
two quick
mashed together words-
riding eachother
i found it funny
and so
offputting
i’d close my eye
so she couldn’t see me rolling
them.

i’d smile
out of fear of laughter and
roll on-top.
spread my knees
dig in my
hands
squeezing it all tightly and
shut

working it
omnipotent tension
failing mind
body smiling.

ubiquitous…
lying love

losing grip,
foothold.
agony ripping through
and
out of me.

you take hot tea
the same as the,
string
molten and clenched.
drawing deeply.