So i’ve got a big week coming up and I shouldn’t be wasting my mornings, afternoons…
OR nights.
What is a wasted night.
Wasted is what I was yesterday?
I wanted to vibrate.
Twinkle in my eye, shake shuffle and shout at the moon.
Instead I just shouted at my friend and his bland girlfriend.
Every person is interesting. Each with their own story. Experiences.
Potential. Stories, laughs, good times.
Tonight I got a bottle of Pepik from work.
Joseph Chromey. Not bad. Dark chocolate.
Got philosophical “as the bottle dictated”.
Might have scared Rhys and Gen a bit. I think Gen is really smart. So is Rhys.
But the more time I spend with them the more I feel out of my element.
I’m loosing my shine.
Everyone else is sick. What a fucking let down. Nobody is strong like me.
Pushing though. “How many Saturday’s are there in a year”.

Why even say that. Here I am blogging, back in my boring fucking world.
Is there a point to this? Cop out baby teenage, whine over wine, existential.
Next week will be grande.
Kick tomorrow.
PAN- is out. Should be great fun, I do love the movies.
What is the fear of society? Each person on their very own special mission.
No staying in doors today.
I’m going to get Rhys’ curtains. That will be LAVISH.

People laughing politely.
Its super strange. “I didn’t hear you so i’ll just laugh”. So odd.
I am aware of it. I wonder what it is. What it spurs from. Is it a female trait?
Is it empathy?

Movies to see, books to read.
Time to myself.
Time alone.
No reply from the people i’d like to see.
Words forming in my mind.
But i’m not quick, motivate or sharp.
Impressing nobody with my intellect.
Fuck off. You don’t know me.
I smile, evil. The whites of my eyes, glowing yellow lamps.
I am poison. Poisoned from lack of sleep and silence.
Idiocy bubbling away in my brain.
Sense and sensible at odds with each-other.
I test you. My silence, a black silk sheet over everything I can see, hear or potentially touch.
I am alone. I couldn’t share with anyone.
Spread your legs.
How else do people communicate. Don’t externalise yourself.
Drain your emotion, the bubbling feelings, needs and wants.
Your content tired, bent form. Let your eyes roll into your skull.
You’ve laid me.
We’ve laid together. Shared all that we could, succinct as we’ll ever be.
Now what? What next. I have the rest of my life, no purpose.
Shall I make it last as long as I can?
Find another set of pillars?
I am a pillock for thinking.
Crossing at the lights. You in a rush, a rush to be gone from my side.
What have I spent my life achieving up until now. Are you satisfied?
What did we both expect. This couldn’t last forever.
I’m old now, wrinkled, jaded.

But half a moon.
Not in the mood.
Crescent glow, but revealed is but some.
The glint has faded.
Our halo is off.
We aren’t free anymore,
We soak into the sheets.
Exhausted with life’s thoes.
Call me back to before we did all this.
When I was lost,
Energetic and glint.
take upon these shoulders the pressures of it all.
You won’t see me laugh,
NO. I stress.
Never will you catch my sympa.
If you get it out of me.
Its real.
We were real.
but now i’m a bleached and ghostly version.
No longer a virgin.
This procrastination.
The spread, the waste.
Time, thought, feelings.
Drained. Cactus. This cold.
A shiver, cold chains rest on my pockered flesh.
Traverse the days and nights.
Alone I’ll stay. Cross legged.
Spouting bullshit.
Do you understand? Can you relate?
Hold me. Please.
Shivver in my company. Clammy, and crying.
Snot ridder, snivelling, wanting more.
needing less.
These needling thoughts pricking my mind.
Turning me into a prick.
Horrible, ungreatful.
Wine and wane.
Gone from you, the warmth.
My ideal. The touch of my soft hands.
The back of my knuckles on your cheeks.
the jokes I didn’t tell.
The altered state of your laughter.
Remembered? But when!
Vibrate. Let your mind resonate, encapsulate those special moods.
The magical moments when all from the past is remind!
Dredged up. Pete and all.
Classic”, the girl you didn’t kiss. Because you’ve got to ride your bike.
The accents. The interpretations. The jests and the fun.
All for nothing if you don’t share.
Don’t reply, never repeat yourself.
Never ever repeat yourself.
Lie? Make the world your own.
Change your underpants.

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