I’ve been feeling a bit stressed.
Last night I experienced fate.
I ate fruit, I saw a play, I laughed so hard with a friend I nearly puked.
I walked, and walked.
And said some vast things. And joked.
I said my ant joke. I literally cried.
I scared myself. I scared him.
I told him he needed to write down everything being said.
I told him he wrote in farts.
And when he didn’t write in farts he wrote in water.
This was hilarious.
Then I told him of my dream before coming out to see the play.
Just a word. A really bright girl once used on me, to describe her own brain.
“Ugly!Beautiful! Word” I thought.
And so came about my dream:
Spiders of the Mind.
This dream begins like an MTV movie/music clip.
There is a ship, on water. Old.
Its foggy. And the water is passive.
The ship is like a galleon(maybe) with a sealed, single room hull.
The ship has cannon slots, or perhaps oar holes: up and down both sides.
This ship is still.
Connected to the ship are what look like spiders webs.
All the webs, dense and white they hang.
Sagging just above the water like elongated hammocks,
Connect to the ship through the many holes that otherwise fit the oars and cannons.
The camera is a goldy 3rd person, closing in on the ship.
The gloom is so thick.
When the camera looks like its going to hit the hull of the ship-
It passes into the single long stretch cabin.
There’s hay on the ground, and its a long narrow wooden ship hull.
Sitting in the middle of the ship cross legged is me.
My hair is white, some parts are braided.
Other bits are single strings. All taught.
Horizontal my hair is pulled and flowing out:
Out, the holes in the ship walls.
I am thinking.
These are my tendrils. A web of my ideas, my connection to the outside.
The world is at large outside of this ship.
The pictures’ exposer changes and everything lightens to bright white.
We refocus, *slow motion*.
My hair is being cut. My beautiful, white locks are clipped back to nothing.
There is a calm on my face and the tendrils that reach out of the ship sag.
Sagging into the water, these connections fade away to nothing.
Some splash and sink, but most fall gently and are gone.
Inside the hull of the ship its just me.
There lies some hair on the ground-
But it is no longer attached to my head.
I am alone with my thoughts, the world cannot share:
Cannot ask of me –
while I cannot experience.
Outside the ship is still.
The water is still.
The tendrils are cut.
I am a hermit.
Alone with my thoughts,
Away from the expectation of others.
Cross legged I sit.
Who cut my hair?
Where are my tendrils?
Am I at peace now?
What of the outside world?
Its not over, but there is nothing now.
My ship floats upon calm and foggy waters.
I have no cannons,
I have no oars.
My tendrils are cut,
Waiting for new growth.
Thinking only, of the spiders of my mind.
Some hilarious things were seen and said.
We saw a woman dressed, literally as a vagina
(for the lowest common denominators out there).
– If we could tie all the goings on of this evening into a bow. Tonight has been a gift.
-far out I wish my hands were as warm as pee
– flowerpress this evening, our movements/our words, paint them black and white, shrink it down and put it on a film slide. Do this for every day of your life. Watch that film. Then get the slides and overlap them. This is the pattern of your life.
-justify everything, over and over again. K-hole.
– I feel creaky inside
– Brain function. Explaining brain functions as they occur. Then have Deja Vous. Continue explaining, look left, active left side of brain. Look right, active right side of brain.
Think of every possible outcome of what you are saying, think both contexts, the contrasting reactions you may receive. Freak yourself out. Forget what you are saying, forget which reaction you received. Look left! Left side of brain.
Explain your terrible use of humour.
“never mind! Its a witches hat”
“haha, sorry that wasn’t funny”
“Its called Witches hat Humour”
“Its like a baseline lowest form of comedy. You should avoid it, like sarcasm”
“like when you’re doing drils and you use witches hats”
“Yes, exactly that’s funny how that’s been linked”
“What are the chances? This adventure fells a bit like going from here to there, here to there…”
“Like exercise drills”
“like we started our night there and now we’re here, going back there… like a drill”
“I said everything in life is 50/50 before. Black and white you know?”
“yeah I remember”
“Well like, we made it from the play to the bar across town like I planned”
“but our plan was for both of us to meet my friend, but you went to the toilet and missed him”
“So like, instead of my plan failing… And instead of my plan succeeding… It’s half that!”
“so like… 50/50”
But complete and incomplete.
“But it’s not that black and white.