Yesterday evening I was officially done. Put on my sporting kit at 4, lay down for a brief nap.
Blam out-cold.

I awoke at midnight only a little bit confused. “whoa, must’ve needed that”.
Thankfully I was exhausted enough to immediately fall back to sleep.

Today I tripple snoozed my alarm and arose close to 9am.
I went for a run, took some laxatives and did some french revision for an hour before my midday
lecture+tutorial combo.

So there I was, here I am, there I went.

And I was ANXIOUS.
I’ve been badly asthmatic in the past (probably misdiagnosed, you all wonder- because that so many people are- i’ve read) anyway, breathing was hard back then. I was a fat kid.

But something new, new to me that is: Anxiety. It rears its ugly head maybe once every 6 months [or not even that frequent]. Naturally i’m self diagnosing here. I feel a pressure. Somewhere between the inability to complete small jobs and activites; vast procrastination and overwhelming sense of uselessness.
I just need to scream.
To bite, punch, kick.
I don’t understand.
I feel the need to rant and rave.
But most likely what i’ll say wont be succinct.
What I describe as the problem, won’t truly relate.
The beauty of it, is I know it will pass.
A good night of sleep, the right diet, a chat with a friend.

I think this stunned feeling came about from the big weekend I had.
A lack of sleep, my brain was quivering and so my body was jangling.
I got 15 ours sleep the night before and I was slow to awaken.
And when I did I had things to do, but they weren’t needed to be done immediately:
BUT there were so many of them that I should do some of them.
And smack bang in the middle of my thoughts was:
the things I need to do most, are the things I know the least about.

I just needed a bike ride and some food. Out of the house.
Sit, study, gain some perspective.

I hate how my list of things grows. YET:

I have no debt
I have no children of my own that count on me.
My family is safe and secure.

My drive, my engine is within me.
If I go out into the world, things will be expected.
To reside, hidden under the covers would be safe.
Only to emerge to feed.
That is not the way of the Patrick.
That isn’t a human’s natural habitat anymore.
There are expectations.
There will be ups and down-down-downs.
“name a person you know that’s been GREAT for more than 2 months straight”
Name them and we’ll ask them what it’s like to have a perfect life.

“you there”

Not a worry
Not a stress.
Well be sorry
We ever asked
Perfection is unmasked.
–
Life aint perfect.
Not for anyone.
I’m better than just ok now.